Partner on the spectrum - How do I cope or move forward?

Hi everyone, I (31F) in a long-term relationship (11 years, no kids yet) (32M) with someone who was only recently diagnosed with autism. I’m trying to understand how much of what I experience is related to that and how much is just the relationship itself but either way, I’m drowning. Also don’t know if this matters but I’ve been going to therapy for 6+yrs, diagnosed with chronic depression, body dysmorphia and a higher IQ than average which according to my therapist can make life even harder. Always understanding and never understood.

We’ve had a dead bedroom for years. He rarely initiates touch or intimacy, says he doesn’t like making out and avoids oral sex because of the “wetness.” In the 11 years we have been together, if he went down on me twice that would be a lot. I’ve always been the one trying, reaching, initiating and this has destroyed my self-esteem. I feel so unwanted, rejected and so so so alone in my relationship.

I have a pretty solid career that I’ve worked very hard for. In the 10 years we have been together I’ve earned more than one degree, designations in my area and have climbed up to a sweet 6 figure salary while my spouse has the same job he had when we met and makes less than a half of what I make. The weigh of carrying the financial, emotional while keeping the house running/together is destroying me.

It’s not just sex. He often withdraws, gives me the silent treatment when upset, rarely apologizes and is always blaming on his neurodivergency. He gets rigid about plans, like, if something doesn’t go exactly as he imagined, he gets angry or shuts down. He prioritizes video games and texting over me, ignores me when I cry, never has held me or comforted me. I carry most of the weight in our daily life: chores, finances, driving him places since he does not have a drivers license even the emotional labor of trying to keep us afloat. This means doing all the grocery trips for the past decade, driving all alone through all the trips, giving up on drinking because I’m always the driver, so…

We went to couples therapy once, but when the therapist challenged him, he refused to go back. That therapist basically implied I deserve better or at least someone who wants to try. That sentence has been haunting me. I want kids someday, but I’ve promised myself I won’t bring a child into this dynamic until he shows me he can actually be a partner which right now, he isn’t and I don’t have another 10 years to wait for him to decide to get a drivers license.

I got in this relationship very young so sometimes I wonder if this is all that life has. I know is not normal to be with someone who doesn’t want to touch you physically, who doesn’t crave you and I’m also terrified to start over and have to tell people that this was my norm for a decade. It’s embarrassing.

I feel like my needs for intimacy, connection, and partnership are not only unmet, they’re dismissed. I know I deserve to be happy, but I don’t know where to start. Has anyone else dealt with a dead bedroom layered with a partner on the spectrum? How do you know when it’s time to keep fighting or to finally let go? A huge part of me feels like an asshole for even considering to leave but I’m so tired of this dynamic.

Please be kind, this is my first time opening up about this outside of therapy.