I love my parents but...

I know it's pathetic to be an angsty teen writing on Reddit complaining about parents and life.

But if you're here to read then I appreciate it.

I won't complain about everything I've ever been complaining in the past but recently I find myself in a dilemma of whether or not I still love my parents. I mean..love is a strong word, and I doubt I don't love them, because well, I'd probably cry if they died, I don't doubt I still love them but..I just can't stop thinking about it..

I'm older now and I'm probably less sensitive than when I was 14? But yeah, sometimes the thoughts still get me.

First of all, I think about how often we get into fights..granted I'm the problem because I'm not a very filial child, I seldom clean my room, I'm not exactly top student material, and I disappointed them by failing a whole grade before..

So I think it's not really without my fault.

When I was a child I couldn't do anything wrong other than stay out too late or splash water everywhere..but ever since I failed that grade they changed..

Back then whenever I even did something remotely praiseworthy they'd smile, tell me "good job" or something..I mean I don't really remember but if I remember babbling about my school days to them back then, maybe it was good. Now however..it feels like the only expectation they have left for me is for me to graduate and get a job.

I got on the honor roll for the recent school quarter and they didn't even blink or say "that's nice", well I mean it's childish and I'm not in elementary anymore but..it wouldn't hurt to acknowledge it right? Not even a small "keep it up" or anything, nothing, even though there were only 12 students on the honor roll out of 40 smth students, they didn't even seem to care.

It kind of hurts, I know I sound too sensitive and whiny, maybe childish over something so small, but trust me, this is just me whining, I don't even get to the part back then when my dad literally crashed out on me and called me an abuser.

But back to the story. It just..makes me kind of sad, I know my parents love me, I know they do. They sacrifice a lot for me. And they undoubtedly care about me but.. it feels like they're only like that for certain periods of time until they become indifferent again.

Even earlier when me and mom got into an argument...I could've tried to explain why I did what I did, but I didn't feel like explaining to her was even worth it. I mean, why defend yourself against a wall right? And now I'm here contemplating, if I loved my mom, I would feel like reasoning with her is futile right? But I just don't know anymore..