How do grieve this?

Tw: suicide

Hi all, just put a trigger warning as mentions of suicide.

My cousin, 17M recently committed suicide. I’ve previously had attempts at his, and age I’m 23 now. Now I’m stuck in a loop of what if that was me? What if I was successful? What if I talked to him more? What if I was still contact with his dad and saw them? What if he waited a few days, would he still have committed suicide?

I don’t just lose the man he was turning into, I lost the little boy I watched grow up. Played games with, spent Christmas’s with, birthdays, weekends ect. I remember we would have sleepovers and play games together and how when he was little he’d play Minecraft only on creative because he didn’t want to have to eat the cows and pigs. I remember how excited he was to have a puppy. How when I was little and before he was born I told his mum that she had a baby in her belly and a few days later told my mum she was pregnant and had no idea. He was the most kind hearted little boy. I remember the last Christmas I spent with him. His dad always had houses with huge backyards, he had a farm at one point and I remember we went out looking for foxes with the guard dogs and we got told off for going out after dark without telling anyone. We kinda drifted apart after he and his mum (parents were split) moved to the other side of the country. I wish we didn’t, but after I stopped seeing my dad, his family went with it too.

How do I process this? I’m still thinking it’s not real, it didn’t happen. Is this a normal part of grieving someone who took their own life? I’ve never had someone I know take their life before so I’m all over the place with it. I just think about it constantly.

I also just keep thinking what if he had waited six years, would he be in my position with someone he loves and a family? Because that’s where I am in my life, I have two beautiful babies and today I could see a little bit of my cousin in my daughter, her face, the beautiful blue eyes, the dimples in her cheeks.

How do I grieve this without spiralling?