Jealous, Unable to fit in, and existing out of fear.

I can't seem to fit in any subreddit, let alone any group that's online or offline.

I'm not a true fan of anything. I can be interested and obsessed over it, but not for the right reasons (but thankfully not on preach-y or worship-y levels).

I'm jealous of others and I tend to be a sarcastic dick to other people online for various reasons (someone getting snarky with me, someone having something that I want, feeling left out, political, personal, and moral reasons, someone making something better/worse than it really is, etc.). Whenever I rant or get into an outburst online, people end up mistaking me for being an Internet troll, despite me not knowing how to be an Internet troll.

I'm just a chameleon, through and through.

I'm very stupid for wanting to be "morally-neutral".

I'm almost no better than my father for having violent tendencies. I just want to get him to stop, but his close-minded mindset and "morally-correct" ways of doing just about everything ever makes me want to act out my violent tendencies, because I wanted revenge against him for mentally-scarring me (corporal punishment, verbal abuse, and his borderline-homicidal temper) and I wanted to gain power over him. But I know full well that I'll be a criminal if I do so.

On the inside, I'm full of anger, hatred, and fear. I'm scared of my own father. Once, I used to have a fear of him doing so much as shooting me for not obeying him (he owned a gun, brass knuckles, pepper spray, and a baton at one point). If I were to ever get into a fight with him (regardless of who's the instigator), no one's gonna save me, and I'll most likely be killed, due to his strength.

I'm also scared of being perceived as "irredeemable" in any way, shape, and form (and being sent to Hell). I also care about what other people (even the people in this society) actually think of me.

I have little-to-no problem with getting a job, getting my Driver's License, or going to college. I don't want him to "help" me or get involved, because... It's just that I fear my people like my dad f-ing it up by crashing out at me and offering me destructive criticism.

I'm letting my own laziness (and mainly my own fear) stall me from actually doing anything important until my mom can find a place for my siblings and I to be reunited. But the bad news is that dad is also thinking of getting his own house. I really don't want to live with him, and I want a taste of the new house that mom will eventually find for us.