bought lingerie for the first time (respost because it did not send the first time?)

created a throwaway account for this post because i am incredibly embarrased about it, but wanted to share with other queer girls

trigger warning uuh NSFW, self-harm, mental health stuff

so i dont really like my body. im pretty short and used to be chubbier, but lately due to being depressed and feeling like i need to be thinner and prettier so that another girl might like me, i've been losing weight. yesterday i had this weird impulse and i needed to go outside to do some shopping at a mall, and while there i saw a store that sold lingerie. my ex partner used to tell me that the underwear i had was really ugly, and i remembered that in that moment, and i thought, hey, why not buy some lingerie? it's not like anyone is going to ever see me with it, and i might feel a little prettier.

so then i went home and tried it on. i expected it to feel very wrong. i expected to feel very disgusting, as i do most of the time lately. i'm convinced that i'm "dirty" and that's why no one will want to hug me, or kiss me, or be close to me, so i take two or three showers every day hoping to get rid of the feeling. after one of my daily showers, i tried on the lingerie i bought. and, surprisingly, it felt... good. i stared at myself in the mirror. it's obviously very revealing, and i could easily see the cuts on my shoulders and my thights. but it looked okay on me. i felt... sexy, something which hasn't happened since i got broken up with, and i thought i looked good. it lasted little, as the shame from being all alone in my dorm trying on lingerie for myself with no one with me not in that moment or ever again, there to see me on it and tell me i looked pretty set in fast, and i took it all off and tossed it in with my ugly clothes. then i took another shower.

just wanted to know if anyone has had similar experiences with this kind of thing