I hate myself and my ‘mommy’ issues. I am so exhausted.

Throwaway account.

The title basically. I’m 17 years old. And ive been assaulted irl and groomed beforehand by a few people online. Not to mention that my mom being schizophrenic and a lack of maternal figure doesn’t help. The thing is, my stupid ass has become addicted to the feeling. And i absolutely fucking hate it. I fall to my knees whenever an older woman gives me attention. I know she’s bound to leave me and only cares about me being a minor. I detest it. But its the only way i feel loved now, its how i have conditioned myself to be loved. I try my best to leave it be but i just cant… i need therapy. I’ll definitely get therapy when i start earning myself.