President Not Sure If He Sent Marines To Portland Or Portugal

"Wherever they're going," said the President, "It's a hellhole under siege and in flames and there's a volcano, that's what people are saying."

"And then there's a tornado, with sharks."

The President has more plans for the Marines he's been given to play with.

"They're going to bring peace between Aberbaijan and Albania and Alabama," said the President. "Nobody could do that before me. Thank you for your attention to this matter."