I might retain...

Im sec1 and i might retain , My eoys are in 2 days i most likely went off topic for english p1 and idh hope in chiense anymore no way im memorising 80 plus things by tuesday and for the humanities i rlly dont understand much, the only potentially saving point is getting new tchrs, like all of my tchrs dont know how to teach . i dont even know how i made it to a sec sch with a cop of al9 . and somehow from a al1-2 student i dropped to a d7-f9 student .im rlly starting to lose hope, when ever i try to do something i lost focus almost immediately even with all my digital devices away i will still find something else to do. Im rlly js dont know what to do , retaining to me is basically losing everything i found meaning in life. and my parents are threating to rent my room out and have me live in the living room instead and their expectations were rlly high all along cause my sibling were both basically prodigies compare to me, student leader, al5- the rlly high t score, recieved awards every year, but me.. all ive gotten is a few participation certs and thats about it . ive often considred the thought of suicide cause it would be easier wouldnt it but like ive always not done it cause of the thought of what i am living for. But if i retain there wouldnt be any meaning would there? i wasnt stressed about it as i knew like i could maybe prob pass english and my science would defo pass and my math as well but when my tchr spoke to me abt retaining more hope was lost, i would have to pass everything as an avergae score. and that js didnt sound very possible.I dont understand why i even came to this good of a sch. and i rlly dont want to retain but at the same time theres kind of no hope