I don't know anymore.

I don't know how or what to feel anymore. I(36m) have been with my partner(36f) for over a year now. Well idk if saying we are together is even the right words. She's "broken up" with me multiple times only to treat me like we didn't when it is convenient for her. If anything she uses the breaking up thing when she's upset or mad, which i still can't take. The constant not knowing what we are. At this point is think she's only "with me" because she can't leave yet and is just staying until she figures out a way that she can get out. There are kids involved, but none together. I have mine from a previous marriage and she has her 2 from 2 past relationships. My kids have never had a mother figure and her kids have had and still have a dad in their life. My kids are autistic, and I understand that it can be difficult for those who don't have or raised autistic kids, but it's like every thing my kids do triggers her, or her lack of understanding and compassion makes things worse. I wake up feeling depressed, every day she complains about something as if she's never ever happy with anything. I work long hours and don't get much sleep. I know I've don't know how to feel, but one feeling I keep having is, I just hope it ends soon, heart attack, hit by a car, something. But, then I'm afraid my kids are going to be locked up and treated like a Cinderella kinda thing. Idk. It took a lot for me to write this, and even more to post it. There is a lot more issues could say but I'm so out of it that idk what else there could be said.

Thank you for listening.