I am tired of my mommy-savior behavior.

Reason behind this behavior-

Growing up in a family where I was not considered conventionally pretty and was rarely complimented, I often felt looked down upon by adults. At the same time, my cousin, who was the same age, was conventionally beautiful, outgoing, and the star of the family. This contrast left me underconfident and socially withdrawn, while she was confident and highly social. This created an urge in me to be useful, hoping it would earn recognition or compliments from adults like my cousin would get for her beauty. I became the ‘sensible, mommy-like’ one who gives advice and tries to fix everyone from my cousin to my boyfriend and family. People came to rely on me emotionally, even when they didn’t follow my advice, only later saying, ‘You were right.’

I used to enjoy this role because it gave me recognition from adults, but it’s not truly me. The energy it takes is draining me. I have been doing it for 20 years of my life and now, at 24, I’m ready to stop overextending myself and set boundaries.

Problem -

Like i said I’ve been like this forever, constantly feeling the urge to fix other people’s problems. Over the past year, I’ve tried using the mantra ‘not my circus, not my monkeys,’ but it hasn’t worked. Whenever someone tells me their problem, even without asking for advice, I have a strong physical reaction where my palms tense, my legs vibrate, and my chest and forehead feel cold, all from the urge to solve the said problem.

I realized I need to leave this habit after a recent incident with my cousin (the one i talked about earlier, we are ver close). She came to me for advice about her new relationship but didn’t follow it, and later told me, ‘You were right.’ Something clicked , i realised she’s been doing this with all the advice I give her all previous years, and hence I recognized this pattern in myself while questioning myself, "why would i keep giving her my energy when its all in vain?". I’ve been giving so much energy to others, and it’s draining me.