(irrationally) scared of having bpd?

this is something that usually puts me in a really dangerous spot routinely, like once a year. i will begin this by saying that this has nothing to do with MY perception of bpd and rather others, as my quality of life usually depends on how others think of me. also this will probably be massively triggering to anyone who actually has it for many reasons so i advise you stop here because yes i know how crazy i sound, i just need to get thus out there because its to the point that i know this ends in me harming myself but tldr: ableism hurts Everyone i think and i need someone or even the process of writing this and the embarassment having someone see it to snap me out of it so that i dont harm myself because its genuinely scary right now and i feel both hurt and unbelievably guilty

i have a bad habit of thinking i have things. i know at the very least i am neurodivergent, depressed and have Some Undiagnosed Shit going on and the way i usually go about it is looking up my experiences/ theirs, cross examining it, thinking “thats not me” and going on with my day.

HOWEVER bpd is a different story because not only do i tend to relate to it on a deeper level, but i always, ALWAYS end up on bpdlovedones. which shouldn’t be a problem if im not diagnosed, but heres the kicker. every post/comment basically says

“my ex was fine and everyone loved her and would never guess she had it until she got close and she took advantage and started abusing me because she was really a MONSTER, just like how all of them are, no exceptions. they ALWAYS think theyre the victim and never realize theyve always been horrible people because they are incapable of self reflection and love even when they think they do. psychiatrists would say differently but they dont know shit because they dont know them like we know them. i bet one of them is reading this right now, theyll probably harm themselves like they always do to get attention”

and its a paradox because no matter how much i try and rationalize, the more a scroll the more i see “AND THEY ALWAYS THINK THEY DONT HAVE IT!!” and the more i try to be good and aware of myself the more im “putting up a front to lure people close to me without realizing it so i can take out my trauma on them” or some shit like bro 😭 i get how they feel to a certain extent, in fact my family (big source of why i suspect it in the first place) has similar traits to what theyre describing. i wouldn’t generalize like they would but i think both them and i know i havent been abused hard enough to be a judge, especially not like they have (not trying to be coddled its just legitimately true) and i know support spaces dont have to cater to mentally ill people and definitely not to college-age armchair psychiatrists but its making me spiral so bad

i feel awful and im considering ending it just so that i dont hurt anyone, especially since i dont have close friendships atm so i can go out without hurting anyone, but even then thats “typical” behavior for them and im being entitled and selfish, which i guess is untrue, but again im at the point where im reading this stuff snd dont even realize im harming myself and internalizing this stuff. even when i see a reasonable comment to snap me out of it saying “people who have bpd are capable of being good people and are suffering but it doesnt excuse abuse and lack of accountability “ theres another 10 comments with 500 more upvotes saying “i agree with everything EXCEPT for the part about then being good people, and if you disagree you probably have bpd and love abusing people and just want something to cry about OR you are uneducated and your opinion doesnt matter.”

i know it’s stupid to take thus so serious but 1. this was right after a completely different spiral about what makes you/me/anyone a good person and ive been trying to calm myself down for about 5 hours now and the sun is up.