My Partner’s Family Is Hurting My Health- Advice Needed

My (31F) partner (31M) comes from an enmeshed family, especially his mom. I have a chronic illness that flares under stress, and every time there’s drama with his family, I get sick and miss work.

We’re planning to get engaged soon, and I’m already bracing for the drama.

When we met, he lived with his parents, and I thought it was an indicator they had a good relationship and was a green flag since he was being frugal. I was so wrong. His family is deeply codependent. The first major red flag was when he initially met my parents, his sister (10 years older, lives far away) called him, telling him to go home and intervene in their parents’ fight, saying, “You have to help mom and dad.” He said this was a common occurrence. I was mortified.

When we moved in together, his mom panicked. She kept buying groceries, clothes, toiletries for him and messaging him constantly. It escalated when he started house hunting. I wasn’t ready, but it was his money he had saved and we made an agreement to protect us both in the event of us breaking up, so I was ok with it. As soon as we started looking, his mom treated it like she was the one buying the house, spamming listings, gossiping with his sister, attending every showing, even talking to financial advisors. She would catastrophize every house we were interested in, going so far to say we would “absolutely die in a house fire”, because she wanted us to buy a house across the street from her. Though his parents were giving him a small portion of the down payment as a “gift” (they had done this for his sister), we felt uncomfortable with how involved she was trying to be.

When she told me I didn’t get a say in the house because I wasn’t contributing financially, I left in tears. (I had been living paycheck to paycheck, while he had been saving for years) Since then, she’s called me “unstable” and “crazy.” There’s never been an apology, only escalating tension.

It’s taken a toll on my mental and physical health over the past year. I cried so much our neighbors called a wellness check (thankful for thin walls and caring neighbors cause I needed a wake up call) We both have since gone regularly to therapy, and have both been doing the self-work necessary and our relationship is stronger than ever, but his family dynamic hasn’t changed. We’ve gone temporarily NC at times, to no avail. His sister blamed him for their dad’s alcoholism at one point, so we’ve stayed NC with her for about 10 mo now.

Every interaction with his parents ends in yelling or name-calling toward me. My partner defends me and walks away when this happens, but I’m emotionally burnt out.

We recently moved to a new place (we didn’t buy a house- no surprise there) and his parents keep asking to see it. He’s insisted, after advice from his therapist, that they apologize to me and we all have a family therapy session before they can come over. His parents demand I apologize too, though I already have multiple times (I recognize I’m not faultless and I could have done things to stay out of the arguments in the past). I will again, just to move forward, but I doubt it will help.

Recently, he told them we’re planning to get engaged soon, so they don’t act blindsided, and they showed no enthusiasm. His mom asked, “Are you sure you’re ready?” It upset him that her first response was to neg him. When he told my family, they were thrilled.

He’s made incredible progress with setting boundaries and standing up for himself, but I’m exhausted. I worry there will more drama with the engagement. I was previously married so I know first hand how drama can stir up with wedding planning. He knows his family may not be at our wedding, and while he’s accepted it, I know it will hurt him. Honestly, elopement looks better every day.

How do I support him while also protecting my own health and boundaries? I don’t want to give ultimatums, but I can’t keep burning myself out, having my health affected, and missing work. I also just want our engagement to be as drama-free as possible. Has gray rocking helped anyone in a similar situation?