My husband violated my consent and I don’t know how to process it

Because of the current state of women's healthcare regarding pregnancy, I (36F) told my husband (36M) very clearly that if he was drinking or smoking weed, he was not to cum in me during sex. I’ve been open that I want to try to conceive, but only if he takes steps to be healthy — because I’m worried about sperm quality, pregnancy complications, and my own health.

He looked me in the eye and told me he quit drinking and smoking months ago. I trusted him. But he lied. He was still using, and then during sex, he came in me anyway. I feel completely deceived and violated.

What makes this even harder is that we had just written a financial plan together. It included buying a new home, starting a family, and finally fixing our finances completely. The future seemed so bright and optimistic. We finally had a direction. I truly believed we were building a life together on honesty and partnership.

Then I found out he deceived me and came in me despite my boundaries. It crushed me. It made me realize how little my health, my boundaries, and my worth seem to mean to him in reality, no matter what plans we’d made on paper.

Since then I’ve been a wreck. I haven’t slept properly in days. I’ve been having panic attacks, chest pain, even collapsed and hit my head from the stress. I cried and told him I was having a mental breakdown. His response was a blank stare. Hours of coldness. He only hugged me after I begged and pleaded. That “comfort” felt shallow and too late.

I can’t shake the feeling that his choices tell me my life and my health don’t matter to him. That I don’t matter to him. And it hurts worse than when my ex raped me as a teenager — because this time it was my husband, the person who promised to love me.

I want him to see what he did was wrong. I want him to validate my pain, show empathy, and prove he values me. But right now all I see is coldness and deception. I don’t know if this is addiction behavior or if it just means he truly doesn’t value me.

How do I make sense of this? Is this considered reproductive coercion? How do I protect myself while still trying to see if he’s capable of change?