Holding Onto The Past/Ruminating Over Someone Long Ago

There is someone in my past that I never got over. She was a college friend that I had an intense relationship with for almost 2 years. Our "friendship" had romantic undertones, but we both had boyfriends, although my relationship was rocky/abusive and hers was long distance and I'm not sure how steady. We barely ever mentioned them.

Anyway, this woman and I bonded in ways I never have - mentally, emotionally, even physically. The first day I met her, we couldn't stop looking into each other's eyes. Soon, she was tracking me down in the parking lot saying "We won't see each other" as her way of letting me know she wanted to spend time with me. She would also say things like "We need to leave campus if we're going to see each other."

We got closer and ended up working closely together on research projects, read all each other's writings, and began sending very long emails to each other daily. I felt like she and I really "saw" and understood each other in ways that we both never experienced. We were both shy and introverted loners and rarely interacted with anyone else. She even said there was only ever one other person that got her to leave the house.

Anyway, we ended up going to the movies, out to eat, and to the zoo. The outings were nice and felt more like dates than friends. We were both very quiet, and she put her hand on mine when in the car. She also scooted so close that we were touching when at the zoo. She did little sweet things a lot, like give me a paper penguin she made, a computer game, and said things like "The right person may be right in front of you" as she stood in front of me and smiled. One day I had a lot of anxiety upon seeing her walk towards me, and she smiled and said "I feel the same." I was sure that she "liked" me and knew I felt the same, even though nothing was said directly.

So one day over email, I decided to bring up the idea of same sex relationships. I told her about a past friend that I had feelings for and told her I had done research on bisexuality. I don't remember what else I said, but I'm pretty sure it was obvious that I was trying to tell her how I felt about her. Her response was something like "I don't have any religious restrictions against same sex relationships - and I sense you're holding something back."

I felt really embarrassed and accused (because I didn't understand what she meant by that), so I defensively responded, "No, you're the one holding back!"

Well, she stopped talking to me. Our daily emails came to an end, and snice classes had ended already, I never saw or spoke to her again until a year later when I DM'd her and she said she was surprised to hear from me and said she hadn't heard from any other classmates (though she didn't really talk to them). I ended up blurting out something stupid and irrelevent - about a friend who said he wanted to have sex with dead people) and naturally she stopped talking to me.

That was 15+ years ago.

Recently, I sent her a letter in the mail (not sure if that would be considered inappropriate) and I apologized for my behavior, explained a little, told her I have Autism, and confessed that I did have feelings for her at that time. I told her I'd leave her in peace.

Every day since I sent the letter, I've been ruminating about it and feel a hole in my chest. Her birthday passed and it was hard to not try to reach out. Our last email exchange happened so long ago that I just kind of blocked it out. I defriended and blocked her not because I was mad, but because I was so ashamed and embarrassed. Only recently did I realize that I had not resolved it, and once I did, the floodgates opened and now I can't stop thinking about it.

My whole life has been a series of ruminations about people from the past - although not quite like this.

It's like I have this hole in my soul that is aching for the kind of love I felt for and with her, and nothing helps. I have a relationship with God. Nothing really fulfills that emptiness, though. Even special interests just don't give me purpose but are distractions.

I still find things to do, and have things to do, but that achy feeling doesn't ever really leave. I don't know if it was better just to leave her compartmentalized. I mean, I managed to ignore the feelings for all those years, and now I remember how happy I felt with her and how much fun and connection I felt. I felt alive.

It was like the world was in color for that period in my life, then it went back to black and white again.

Attempts to stop the thinking and feeling actually cause me to feel much worse, because when I don't have a person or special interest to fixate on, I feel extremely empty and depressed, and my anxiety is worse.

Can anyone relate to this feeling or experience? Anyone want to share your story?

I don't really know if this is just an Autistic thing or an attachment disorder. When I was young, my school called my mom because all I wanted to do was hold hands with this one girl in my class and ignore everyone else. I barely remember that girl, and I also am very much a loner, but it's like I crave an Anne (of Green Gables)-Diana kind of friendship, only romantic. Sometimes I feel like a crazy little kid.