It’s so hard and so alluring

Like so many I am so conflicted about this, about whether I need the meds or not.

I have ADHD, OCD, maybe ASD. When I am not on the meds I basically exist in a state of pain, emotional but physical too, in my chest, it’s very hard to explain but I’m certain it’s psychosomatic. My head is in a fog and my thoughts spiral. Emotionally things hurt me a lot, my loneliness, my regrets and guilt. I do the work, I’ve been to therapy countless times, I’ve learnt a lot about CBT and I practice Stoicism in my daily life. None of that is enough and I understand how crucial connection is so I’m working at building my social life and relationships but the problem is at this point I feel crippled socially and emotionally from the pain. I need to constantly be on the move, I go to the gym in the morning then some days I’ll run 15-25kms in the afternoon, if not I’ll walk that distance, because I’m so internally restless, being idle is painful, I can’t sit and watch TV or anything like that.

The drugs of course, mute the pain, and make it so I can sit and be idle. The emotional stuff isn’t hitting me as hard and I can focus more on other things. However I’m not growing on the drugs so none of this stuff can ever change if I take the drugs. That’s basically the crux of it all for me. And I know the answer to my question. I need to be off the drugs.

But how do I endure the pain? I always bolster my resolve at the outset and I go along okay for a while, but my resolve weakens maybe because simply my head spirals, despite my best efforts to stay on an even keel and wrangle my thoughts and my perspective back into shape by constant journaling and reflection. Withdrawal obviously makes all this so much harder and this isn’t necessarily a reflection of how I’ll feel in a year or so if I stay clean of the meds.

But dear god how? How do I endure this pain?