I (f) told my boyfriend to sleep with a man - he did - and it changed the trajectory of my life. This is a long one about my taboo relationships, kind of dramatic in nature.

So, I’m a 29 f and my current s.o. of almost 12 years is 30 m. We met after I had already made a commitment to my overseas penpal. We were both older teens. I basically had been talking for 2 years with someone across the pond (online mostly) and we are a perfect match if you take out the huge distance gap, haha. Same age, same religious views, opposite gender, different race - lots in common regardless including no money to meet and both being too nervous to meet. We couldn’t convince the other to visit even when money or opportunity was there because even though we video chatted often we figured it was too good to be true (at least that’s how I felt).. so we agreed to be pals instead at a certain point, checking in virtually every now and again. That was after having a really big messy blow out (He had stated he might go to college here, and I felt like I was going to be waiting for it to never happen- and it didn’t. And he felt like I was abandoning him, after we had shared our innermost worlds with each other, for someone else-which was true). After being with my now S.O. for a few years and things going really well in all aspects my life, it turned into a nightmare..we were making really good money until I was let go from my government job..never went to college and got lucky I got such a well paying job -sheer luck (I didn’t know anyone where I worked I took a chance at applying and crushed the interview, and I’m cute). Only to lose it a few years into it, sadly. And then worst of all- I became severely chronically ill, cluster headaches every day and lots of weird symptoms -like severe hunger no matter how much I ate. I started having night terrors and panic attacks remembering abuse from my childhood too that I completely forgot about (another story for another time - but I suspect the illness and this maybe linked- another story for another time). I spent a year and a half (at least) in pure torment. Not doing much besides curling up in bed. I had been diagnosed for cluster headaches. They call them suicide headaches because most people off themselves after so long. There’s not much you can do to help it, there’s not a treatment that I’m aware of. I tried some scripts but nothing made me feel better- just a different kind of suffering. My s.o. Is great, but he was struggling to keep us afloat and take care of me..watching me shrivel into the shell of the person I used to be. He was also coming to terms with his sexuality more right around this time. When we met- I thought he was 100% gay, after we were intimate I thought- he’s clearly bi. After asking a few times if he was bi he was extremely offended- and after meeting and living with his family at one point I could see why- they are very religious and don’t condone same sex anything. I started to become paranoid that he was actually gay but wasn’t coming to terms with it and that I’d find out for sure way later.. One night, when things were still good, we got really drunk and I mentioned how all the girls at work were watching magic mike and that I wanted to watch it. We were joking around but he let it slip that he would like to have relations with the main character. I didn’t push it but I said “it’s OK”, when he looked at me terrified. After some silence he said he HAD had a romantic interest in a boy when he was younger but that his mother beat it out of him. Again, I just said it was OK, and that I’m here and I’m bi sexual and have had my fair share of homophobia and hate too. I asked him if he was actually attracted to me, and he said yes - he still loved me and still loved our intimacy. After me showing nothing but support but not being pushy he finally started to open that part of him up. I got sick with the head pains a little while after that. I stopped wanting sex, I felt like I was dying every minute of every day. I pushed everyone away, no one was taking it seriously- not employers, not family..it was like people thought I wanted an excuse not to do my job or visit them anymore. I started to slip into alcoholism, just to make the days pass. I was ending up passed out on our couch by 6-7pm most nights. Leaving my partner totally alone. I had taken a job where my partner worked also at this point. On the drive home one night he asked me to talk but requested I didn’t get upset. We were stuck in traffic, and it looked like we would be sitting there for a minute anyway. He told me, he wanted to sleep with a man. I wasn’t really surprised given the above. I thought- this might be the end. I asked why..he said it was because him and I weren’t having intimacy anymore and that he was lonely. He said he’s been wanting to try it, because he never got the chance. I figured my life couldn’t get any worse…so I said why not? I said you sleep with a man, and I’ll finally know 100% if you’re gay or bi and we can stop this relationship before it goes any further if need be. I wanted both of us to be happy even though this was sort of odd. He got on grinder the next day, with my OK. And met up w/ someone at a bar near by. I told him my only ask was to keep in touch with me through the night as I was worried he’d meet up with someone who might hurt him - neither of us had met anyone online before. Or via apps. We (my S.O. and I) met when I worked at a cafe book shop. He had seen me and stopped dead in his tracks to tell me I was the most beautiful girl he had ever seen. We started hanging out- cause I thought he was gay, HAHA. One day we ended up running to the local train and bus station as it started to drizzle but got stuck in a rainstorm. We found dry cover and started making out after snuggling up to each other to keep warm -and we have been together ever since. It was really romantic meeting that way. And we never wanted to be apart. Still don’t. But on this night where he agreed to meet up with another man he was texting me here and there on how it was going. He was super nervous..said the guy was extremely nice- the other guy KNEW about all this btw- we wanted transparency. He was attracted to this man, who was very effeminate. He said they had agreed to have ..relations in the bathroom of the dive.. At this point I thought I’d be more upset, but I wasn’t..I was severely turned on. For the first time in what felt like a really long time. I asked them to film it and send it to me, which they did..which I also liked. I was kind of weirded out because I wasn’t expecting that reaction from MYSELF. My partner got home eventually and said he had a nice time but that he was feeling really bad about the whole thing, mostly guilty about it not being with me and it being with another man. I said I was really turned on by the whole event..and then we had relations..I asked afterwards if maybe he could do it again. I told him I wanted to watch, but I didn’t - I wanted to be IN there, haha. And I was finally feeling an ounce of pleasure despite all the pain..I hope that this is where people don’t judge me too harshly from this point..but I know you probably will. The man he had intimacy with said he wasn’t comfortable with me watching or touching him etc but that didn’t stop us from finding other men. We found plenty of bi men on grinder who jumped at the opportunity to have relations with both parties. 20s somethings attractive men at that! No money involved- just pure lust. I kinda blame it on gen Z and younger millennials being so lonely from tech fatigue…but that’s a conversation for another time. We started not only exclusively sleeping with men, but women, gender fluid, etc. it started off as a once in awhile thing to..a nightly thing.. we even had a clinic we frequented because we did not want to catch any STDs or STIs. This also was only probably possible because this also happened when Covid was first happening..we were ALL alone, depressed, bored, tired, or whatever. And the only thing that was an escape from everything for me was drinking and f____ing. To the point where it was like that was who I was then. I started even asking people to bring me gifts..whether that was alcohol or food or items. My husband and I aren’t supermodels but we aren’t ugly either so..we were getting a lot of it. I started to experiment with BDSM too, something I was always interested in but didn’t have the right person for (I’m more sadistic and my partner does not want that from me). At this point I had transitioned to work from home, I was drunk at work all the time, I was having relations on the clock too..having people over during the day. Past a certain point I was not only bored of sex, but a little disgusted with myself. I’m all for liberation but this was something else the way we were doing it. I would hog tie and slap consenting adults up and leave them for my partner to play with when he would get off work. We had an STD scare that ended up being a bit of a wake up call after receiving a phone call from someone we had been with a month prior. They said they had moved out of state and had an STD come up positive sometime shortly after. They wanted to know if it was from us, but they weren’t sure as they slept with someone else after. We freaked out! We got tested..it was NOT us. We’re still clean to this day, but that’s just luck I think. I told my partner this had to stop, that we had lost control over this being a little fun and that I’m sure if I told anyone what we were up to that they might even think of us as some sick freaks or even monsters. We agreed to move along, to shut it down, be kinda normal. And I knew I needed to quit drinking too. I had done everything I ever wanted to do, I had seen so many bodies - that the uniqueness of some humans (anatomy) does not surprise me anymore. - don’t get me wrong I actually don’t regret it even a little bit. I actually find it sort of beautiful- connecting with so many lovely beings. I’ll never be on my deathbed wishing I had a bit more fun. I just knew I had to stop and explore the other things in life. And don’t be thinking I’m some sort of loose bag either, I only ever let people inside me if I thought they were special enough to..and note this too too- I’m glad I never filmed any of this, I’m glad I never tried to make a dime on it- it was all REAL. Like I said, we agreed to stop, we said OK “tonight is the last night” after a big talk- because we had plans for a very beautiful man to come over that evening.. Well, haha, he came over, we had a great time. We thought- that person was out of our league- so shouldn’t be an issue never hearing from them again. But we did. They had a nice time and they wanted to hang out even if we weren’t all intimate. He found us to be severely interesting people. We said ok. We weren’t intimate that time, but we did hang out more and more and there was intimacy on and off. I told this person- we’re not really looking for this anymore, please don’t get attached, I don’t want any of us hurt. But they were cool, and a couple of meet ups turned into meet ups out. Dinners, movies, etc. Those outings turned into spending the night. Spending a few nights over turned into spending weeks with a suitcase. Then their roommate left them high and dry and they needed a place to stay..now it’s been over 2 years and we’re all together together. We’re a tri racial/ethnic group but all light skins..we agreed to call the polycule “tres leches” to cope with the fact we’re in a polycule- because saying polycule makes us uncomfortable, haha. Anyways..I was/am really happy, but this newcomer is also an alcoholic..I had slowed down on drinking just to pick it back up because now I had someone who was doing the same (my s.o. never enjoyed drinking or any substance use). At the same time I was still suffering with cluster headaches and chronic illness but it was manageable-ish now- I think I was getting used to it. I was at least getting out again. But I was popping ibuprofen and drinking like no one’s business. Sometimes at the same time, usually 2-3 extra pills OVER the normal dose, and I’m a small woman at that. Well if you ever need a warning- DONT DO THAT. I ended up in the ER with my digestive system crapping out because turns out if you ingest nothing but spicy food, pain killers, hard liquor, and smoke tobacco.. your body is going to only support you as long as it can. Which for me wasn’t long enough. After a bullet shot through my window right over my bed one night months after my ER visit we all decided to move into a bigger apartment. But these two have to take care of me constantly, now not only do I want to slam my head against the wall I have soul crushing diarrhea and stomach pain every damn day. And if it’s not diarrhea- it’s the fact I can’t eat what I want anymore either and it hurts to eat. I watch the two of them get to go off and have a life these days. And when I make/ask them to stay with me and do nothing - I can tell they resent me, even though they would never say so. I stopped drinking almost completely now- because severe diarrhea will make you do that if nothing else will, haha - but now I work from home alone. And the other two have crazy schedules outside the home. I’m so alone. My penpal reached out last year and turns out he has lupus and TB..we reconnected in a big way- to ME. And I started having fantasies of going to him. Not because I hate the people I’m with, but to let them be happy because I feel like a burden..and also because of the political climate of my country. I told the other two we should leave already because our relationship doesn’t exactly cater to “traditional family values”..hah. They declined. But turns out after reconnecting with me in what felt like a more intimate fashion (nothing explicit was ever said - we keep it respectful)- he disappeared for a few months and came back to tell me he could be getting married to someone. He likes her, but I can tell he isn’t 100% yet and neither is she. I’ve stopped smoking and drinking for the most part, I had a little something on Christmas last year and then my birthday this past summer. But everyday I’m in hell and I’m dragging these two with me. I had a small window of escape, I think it’s gone for good…and now not even human pleasures can save me now. It’s like I feel nothing anymore besides pain. And I can’t explain all this to people when they side eye me holding two men’s hands. And IF I do get on a plane and leave- no one will ever know it’s not because I’m cruel, or I can’t face myself- it’s because I’d rather be with someone just as sick and as in pain as me so I don’t feel so bad about it. The two I’m with have no idea I’m even talking to this person again. AND HARDLY NO ONE KNOWS about my recent past or my current relationship status- it feels too taboo. I wonder what the future has in store for someone like me. One things for sure- it won’t be boring.