No matter how many drugs I take recreationally nothing works except...

I never knew I had anhedonia. no pleasure from anything, even when I take long months of no substance use. No matter what I take.... I only feel shame. Alcohol makes me sleepy. Pregablin makes me drowsy. The list goes on.

Sometimes I smoke a whole pack of ciggs. just out of frustrating and anger, hoping, I would be so breathless, that I start sweating, and feel passing out. Thats the only feeling I enjoy. To feel something, even if its something dangerous.

Now on the other hand, I Stumbled upon something that doesn't prescription, and i read that it says "increases dopamine"

That was my magic pill. That medication was baclofen. I pop about (80mg) and suddenly music sounds amazing. I am chatty, confident and happy. heck people would envy my positive energy, not only that..

But when I see girls on music videos, I would blush, and be like... "she's so cute"

Sorry for anyone whos going through this. Baclofen isn't the answer, but my god... every 2-3 weeks. I hate feeling dead, that I need to take some. I just want love myself again. I never knew I was clever and witty, after 4 years of being dead.

Currently Im going stop chasing highs, and accept that i will be dead for a quite sometime. Its time to embrace my dead side. Im going to be moody, grumpy. Until my body reject sadness., and my frown goes upside down.

If life wants to be harsh, then I can be harsher. You can't break whats already broken.