i blacked out in july

around the 4th of july i went drinking with friends to celebrate their birthday. i was drinking a lot especially because i had recently gotten out of my long term on-and-off again relationship.

my friend had her friend P join us and they used to have a thing together. me and P used to match on dating apps yearsssss ago but never did anything and i never felt a type of way when they were talking. this time my friend brought her new fling so i was talking to P and apparently i kept bringing up that me and him used to match a lot but i looked different back then and he said that i was plotting which i was not, i dont know why i kept repeating it i was just really drunk

i black out - i dont remember leaving the bar, but next thing i know is im standing on the corner with my all my friends and P just chatting. i black out - i dont remember going home at all. next thing i remember i am on my couch with P and im asking if they want to have sex. i black out again - and he is grabbing my head to give him head. i black out and im waking up in my bed, confused, and naked i had no recollection of anything.

i am looking through my phone and see that i texted P directions to my place (well attempted to i just sent him my location and copy and pasted a url and then finally successfully sent him my address). i look outside and see my car outside so that means i drove myself home which is terrifying. i also look through me and P’s messages and see that i mentioned i was smoking cigs in the gazebo out front which i have no recollection at all. i then see a used condom on the counter and i feel absolutely terrible and disgusted.

i feel absolutely terrible about everything. i have never ever ever gone after someone that a friend/family/whoever has had some time of fling/relationship with. never. and i feel awful because i apparently had sex and don’t know and also P was like a distant friend and didn’t want to ruin that. and also feeling awful from the insane hangover - i had to realize where i was and couldn’t even find the clothes i was wearing.

i text P asking if me and him are okay and if he’s okay and he says yes and that we don’t have to speak about it so the whole time i thought he was just embarrassed or like also disgusted because maybe he felt bad.

months later i find out he is saying i took advantage of him because i kept asking if he wanted to have sex. friends of mine have heard this and stopped talking to me. im spiraling and finding a hard time not wanting to kill myself. i have been assaulted in the past and would never ever ever do this to anyone else but i feel like i cant defend myself because 1. it feels so shitty because i don’t want to discredit him and 2. i don’t even remember what happened so maybe i was being really pushy. i don’t know. he says that he came over to smoke and that i took advantage of him but i don’t smoke weed, but maybe he meant cigarettes. he also says i pressured him into giving him head but then i don’t know where the condom came from.

i don’t know how to keep going and go through all of this i feel terrible and confused. i hate myself and hate that i put myself in this position and that i cannot recall things to help get better clarity for myself. and now people think im this awful person but maybe that is true

im scared and overwhelmed and in general feel absolutely awful i wish i could remember things