Trigger warning: I relapsed bad tonight. All my hard work was for nothing.

Tonight started off as any great night, finished up some work after going to the gym and eating healthy all day. Then I went to hangout with a girlfriend, we had “girl night” which included wine, reality tv and gossip. For some fucking reason I can’t seem to understand, I decided to stop in at the bar on my way home. I have never gone to a bar by myself? I guess something triggered me and I wasn’t done drinking. Got a shot and a drink, then this guy comes up next to me. I’m not giving him much attention at first, but then he offers to buy me a drink so I accept. I’m drunk at this point, and then he mentions he has coke. A whole fucking eight ball of it. He goes to the bathroom, does it, then hands the bag to me. I sit there for a second. And then I go to the bathroom and rip it myself. This guy is old for me to be talking to like 55 and I’m in my twenties. This is so weird but in my addictive mind, I’ll do anything for this coke I guess. (For reference coke has always been my drug of choice and once I start I can’t stop and I’m coming down as we speak). I spent the last fucking 6 hours with this random man, the entirety of the night, it’s morning now, doing that entire eight ball of coke with him, bump for bump, talking about the most insane and personal shit, ended up going back to his house so he could use the bathroom, where we continued to do more blow and talk for like another hour. He just dropped me off at my car about 30 minutes ago and I’m home now. He has my number now and is most likely under the impression we will do this again. I’m feeling so weird, like I fucked up and this is so fucking weird and out of character for me. And scary. Why do I put myself in bad situations when I’m under the influence? I’ve been insanely healthy and working on getting sober the last few months, investing in the gym and my diet, going to therapy and getting my mental health right. I’ve been doing so good. And I feel so fucking wacko right now. What the fuck weird shit did I just do? And why did I do that? I’m mortified. I’m so disappointed in myself.