I don't know if I'm cis or trans anymore, it's just sucks

I'm just trying to live my life as a fem cis girl, not trying to think about my gender identity at all, then I just get some random waves of disphoria and I get even more depressed about my existence. I'm trying to fake the fact I'm happy as a cis girl, trying to dress like one, but... It just doesn't makes me happy. I'm really envious of boys around me and the fact how lucky they are for being biologically male.. on the other hand, I'm really scared of identifying anything other than a girl, because I don't want to be judged, regret it or anything... I hate the fact I look like a fem girl, (the only thing that calms me a little is my androgynous face and deep voice) even though, I sometimes wish I was born male... Transition would be sucks since my body is too feminine and knowing myself, I would just end up looking androgynous and even uglier than I am now instead of masc... so, I just try to tell myself I probably wouldn't want to do anything and I would just regret it... And the cycle goes... (I have no one to talk about this irl, so I wanted to share it here...)