i feel disgusting and need to get this off my chest

when i was 6-10 me and my sister (a year younger than me) would sometimes kiss.

it was usually when we were playing house and i'm scared i was coercing her or did something worse but my memories of my childhood are extremely hazy and i can't remember a lot. i was exposed to porn extremely young and got addicted to masturbateting would pretend i was having sex with a plushie i owned and would always have extreme guilt over it.

this has been eating away at me for years and i feel like a monster. i became extremely depressed when i was 14 and i've been denying this as the reason why. i'm 19 now and i still feel like i'm a child.

i can't tell anyone. i imagine their faces with disgust and i can't even imagine the pain and confusion my sister must've been in. i constantly think about killing myself because of the guilt and i can't keep living like this.

maybe i can survive a couple of years but i feel at some point it's all going to just come to a head and i'll crumble.

i've thought about getting therapy or talking with my sister but i just can't. i want my sister to be okay and i feel like a monster.

sorry this was a ramble but i just finally needed to tell at least 1 person even if that was a stranger on the internet.