i miss my ex friend

honestly i couldn’t tell if this was gonna be a seeking support and advice post or an off my chest post but it’s a long one

i miss my ex friend so much, she got me thru national exams last year when i was breaking down over stress and she and i bonded over working part time in a restaurant together we were so close she came over to my house all the time and i went over to hers too, when my parent was being slightly abuse and not helping me get home after staying too late at work she’d take me cycling and we’d always be hanging out.

now we stopped being friends over a dumb misunderstanding she got mad at me and i got mad at her being mad and i blew it up i think

i hate that she moved on so fast i thought she cared about me but she moved on to getting a whole friend group while im alone and i feel like it’s my fault

But then i was talking about it in therapy and i always knew she treated me like a last option, not talking to me in school, only calling me after school once we were home or before bed, hanging out with me cause no one else was free, asking me to do things for her (nothing big just like taking photos of her for her, letting her jump on my back to piggyback her, even once letting her sit in my lap so she didn’t have to sit on the floor) but i was alone and weird and i still up but she made me feel normal and when we hung out it felt better i felt better, i didn’t care that she treated me like entertainment at least she was around

anyways, my therapist started asking questions about the fight that made us stop being friends long story short, she was showing me that she was at a work party thing on valentine’s and i replied something along the line of “well im watching movies with (partner at the time) so” and that was it i’m pretty sure i either went to bed or something after cause i cant rlly remember what happened after but she blew up on me kinda? like basically how i didnt have to say that and that she was just trying to show me she was having fun

i didnt rlly get why she was mad but it made me get mad somethings were said those points about how she wasn’t treating me well came up she said she wasn’t talking about that all that crap basically

and when i said this to my therapist she starts asking if this was the only time said friend reacted to me standing up to her and i got confused, i had never stood up to my ex friend before then my therapist asks if i had ever disagreed which was met with more confusion i had never i just went along with whatever she wanted because i didn’t mind more of the time it wanted to i wanted to go out and have fun i was young and bored alone so i always did whatever she wanted of me

my therapist asked if friend ever did anything i wanted to do and i couldn’t remember if i had ever even wanted to do something on my own without it being my friend’s idea

ugh there was even this time and maybe im being sensitive over it but for Christmas ex friend got me a burgundy matte liquid lipstick from gucci which it’s a nice gift branded clearly expensive for a teenager at the time i was happy to receive it but now thinking back…

i don’t wear matte lipstick. i don’t even like gucci i even mentioned that once when we passed by the store. i don’t even wear red lipstick let alone that dark brownish red shade. i always wore pinks and lipglosses or lip balms. i even bought makeup from her once a pale pink lipstick gloss how could she not know i don’t like red lipstick? at the time she said it’s cause i liked red but my favourite colour is pink.

god i know i sound so ungrateful it was a branded gift definitely not something i would’ve bought myself but it was a nice gift. till i remember the fact that her mom resells branded goods for cheaper as a side hustle… she has a storeroom and boxes full of luxury goods in her house. the gift was probably something that could sell since no one’s buying that brownish red shade it’s not exactly in trend

it’s just all these small things adding up in my head but i still miss her i miss the good times i can’t tell if i hate her or if i still love her cause i cared about her so much at one point i would’ve killed for her this sucks i feel like i just can’t get over this attachment and i can’t tell if she was like my fp or something cause i can’t tell when i get one or not since i cling to pretty much one person in a friend group everytime but it’s been months and i still think about her i still miss her