I keep snooping his socials even tho its been 8 months and I know he is no good for me

I feel shame…… I don’t know how to stop. Trauma bond? Feels literally like an addiction. A self destructive pattern I find myself doing jt in response of loneliness, sadness, emptiness or general anxiety (I am stressed out financially) I know with all ny logical brain I can not build a life with this man, that it is over. I don’t want him back. I would love an apology that will never come. The reality of it all. Of my entire life is heavy on my shoulders. I don’t seem to find willpower to stop myself. I do it, i feel like shit with myself for doing it, repeat.