My (30F) partner (35M) hasn't been able to have an intimate relationship with me during the years of our relationship. how can I help the situation, or do I need to do what I already feel, which is come to terms with having a sexless relationship?

We have been together for several years after meeting through shared sexual interests and wants in a relationship. But, he has always had a reason why we could not have sex. Wrong time, wrong moment, life circumstances, something was always in the way.

At first, we had deep conversations about sex and kink, and I felt swept up in the connection. In person, though, whenever I tried to gently move toward the things we had talked about, I was turned down. I gave him space because he told me early on that he had past trauma. He explained that ex-girlfriends pressured him, got nasty when he did not give in, and made him feel like he had to go through with it anyway. I did not want to do that to him.

I didn't want to do that to him, so I gave him that space. Even though I was a bit confused, given the start of our conversation. I'd send flirtatious texts and he'd send them back, but in person I'd get some playful teasing but nothing more. When I asked about it, I was told he was just responding how he thought I wanted him to. I pulled back from sending the messages after that because it felt hollow.

We eventually had sex about four or five months in, and a couple more times shortly after. But even then, it was mostly foreplay and he spent a lot of time focusing on just me, which he did wonderfully, but it isn't the same as the close interpersonal connection that sex is.The sex itself seemed painful or uncomfortable for him, though he denied to get it checked out or that it was a problem. After that, we went over a year without sex. Sadly it was a noteable enough date that I knew exactly how long it had been. There was occasional light play, but nothing close to the intimacy I craved.

Every time I tried to initiate, even softly by cuddling and expressing desire, he would either shut down, or break down crying. Then when I’d try to talk about it afterwards, he’d either shut me out, get down on himself or assume I was mad at him. I was never mad, I felt awful, like I was harming him when all I wanted was closeness. Eventually I told him I would stop initiating altogether, and that intimacy would be up to him so I would know he was one hundred percent comfortable. He said that feels like I am giving up. To me, it feels like protecting myself from feeling like a villain every time I try.

Meanwhile, my mental health has taken hits. I have my own trauma around sex, and my sense of worth as a partner is tied to being able to connect with my partner that way. I worked through some of those feelings of rejection, realizing it was not just me he did not want. He truly struggles with desire overall and when he said his exes left that “Want” for another person, it hurt, because I still want him. He is an amazing partner in other ways. But I cry when he tells me cuddling on the couch is just as good as sex. To me, they are not the same.

We live together now, and there was a promise that once we moved in, things would change, that life was just too stressful and we did not see each other enough. But the first time I tried to initiate, he broke down sobbing. I love him dearly, and I do not want to hurt him. But I also do not know how to handle my desire for intimacy with his trauma and avoidance.

I am trying to accept that if I want to stay in this relationship, and I am staying, then I may need to manage my desires in a different way, or try to find a way to dampen them altogether. But I do not know what else to do.

TLDR: My partner and I have been together for years and had sex only a handful of times. He says stress and trauma make it difficult, and he often cries or shuts down when I initiate. I want intimacy but he does not, and I am unsure if this means I need to accept a sexless relationship or if there is another way forward.