D Day +7 days

Wow, I can’t believe it’s been one week since D Day. I probably should have a question mark after the “Reconciling” flair. I just don’t know how to go forward. If you had asked me several months ago what the chance would be that I would even be CONSIDERING R with a spouse or partner after an affair, I would have EMPHATICALLY said, “Exactly 0%!” 

Yet here I am. Here I am truly considering whether I can move toward R.  

The story: My WW of 22 years has engaged in, at least, a month’s long EA & PA with a prior high school BF. I’ve been pretty certain it was going on since July 11^(th) and have been nearly 100% sure for at least the last 4-6 weeks. This past week we were headed on a road trip to a triathlon, and she spent most of the 8 hours in the car texting/messaging him. I’ve been watching, waiting, and trying to figure out for weeks/months when this confrontation was going to take place, but I couldn’t watch this anymore. I tapped her on the shoulder, pointed at her phone and said, “What are we gong to do about this?”

 Of course, she acted shocked and surprised and denied there was an affair, for a moment or two. Then said, “yes, it has been an inappropriate relationship but it’s not what you think.” We spent the next hour or two on the road with me basically having to prove what I knew before any truth came out. She still never even admitted to it being an affair until a couple days later. Let me tell you, there is nothing like being trapped in a car for 16 hours over two days, plus hotels and a race over the next several, with you recently confirmed, cheating spouse, to really make life interesting. 

Of course, I have gotten a steady stream of, “I didn’t go looking for it…it just happened…you’ve been ignoring me for years…etc…” as the reasons for the affair. There were certainly significant problems in our marriage off and on over the last fifteen years and I must own a good percentage of that. I have been complacent, absent, lethargic, untruthful, and certainly not supportive over much of that time. However, as I said to her, “You had every right to leave me. You had every right to say to me I wasn’t upholding my end of the bargain. You had NO right to do this.”

 Over the last week she has become more vulnerable and remorseful. I know that she truly feels bad for hurting me. However, like I said to her, while I believe she feels bad for hurting me, is that the same as actually regretting her actions? She sent a message ending the relationship although that was only after asking me what I needed in order to work on this. She is definitely wanting R. However, PA has always been my “line in the sand”. No coming back from that in my eyes. Yet here we are. Here I am. She seems genuinely and truly remorseful, at least about hurting me if not about the choice she made. She recognizes and admits it was her CHOICE now, but she still says things like, “I broke all the values WE hold important…” Really? The values you hold important? She immediately scheduled multiple meetings with her IC on the day we got back in town and the following day. She also scheduled us a MC which we attended yesterday. I have never seen an IC in my life, but understand I likely need one now.

 It SEEMS like she is doing the right things based on what I have read here over the last couple days since finding this Sub Reddit. Yet, all my uncertainty lingers. At the same time, I feel more connected and attracted to her than I have in years. I can actually see a picture of this making us better down the road than we have been since the early years of our marriage. But will the feeling of distrust, anxiety every time she’s on her phone, questioning every delayed response, worry when I’m traveling for work…does it ever go away?

 I’m hoping there is a chance but at the moment I cannot ever imagine not feeling the way I do right now.