Disappointment with Marriage

I wrote this today in my journal and I just wanted to share it with someone. Going on 20 years of marriage this June.

October 2, 2025

Why do I get distant when my wife is around? Because she gives all of herself to her job, her friends, and her interests.

This season is about letting appearances fall away. I am not happy in this marriage generally in the sense that it does not provide the companionship or intimacy I hoped that it would. I dishonor myself when I try to shake that reality through "perspective." And I can only lie to myself so long before reality returns to knock me off center. Lying to myself always will end in emotional instability, because living the lie facilitates one state of emotion, whereas embracing truth facilitates another.

So here is the truth — my marriage is a disappointment, at least in this one specific sense: I married someone who has never prioritized our relationship the way I hoped she would. Even when she is around, I feel alone.

It isn’t about blame. It may be much more my “fault” than hers. This is just about having the self-respect to be honest with myself.

And being honest means embracing the truth in all its complexities and paradoxes. I can be generally disappointed in my marriage, and still love her deeply. I can be disappointed by it yet remain grateful for it. And I can be disappointed in my marriage while also respecting her sacrifices as an educator and as a mother. And also respect her contributions to our marriage in other (perhaps even more important) respects.

There is, however, an added layer to the problem. While I believe in general that authenticity and self-respect requires that we tell the truth when others’ actions impact us, wrongs in the realms of intimacy and companionship by someone who loves us are different. This is because to voice the wrong creates a risk of compulsion. Affection and companionship given out of a sense of obligation or to placate may temporarily numb the wound, but it cannot heal it. This is because at the center of the wound is a belief that my wife does not value such connections between us intrinsically (at least to a degree that she will prioritize them) and that she does not need or even really want them. Therefore, affection or companionship that must be procured by request or complaint only ultimately worsens the cancer by indirectly confirming the root belief of it.

For example, I have little doubt that if I insisted on more time together, my wife would eventually make it. If I insisted on more sex, we would be intimate more often. But having to do so in the past has been very damaging to my own sense of self-worth. I allowed myself to be regarded as a chore on her to-do list, a nuisance to be tolerated or appeased, a beggar to be given his portion of charity. This, in turn, aggravated the insecurities that have plagued me my whole life.

But I no longer desire companionship or affection on such terms. I’m coming to see my desire at its most important levels is not really even time together or sex because, as mentioned above, I could have both in greater quantity if I were willing to ask for them. What I really am seeking is that I am wanted and needed by my wife. Not for pragmatic necessity, not for financial necessity, not for co-parenting, but because I am the object of her affection. It is there that the deepest joys and ecstasies reside. In certain circumstances, time together or sex can be manifestations of the soul’s adoration, but they are not themselves the prize. They can only ever, at most, be evidence of something far more ethereal.

I won’t deny the sting. I won’t use philosophy or religion to reinterpret it. I will admit it hurts and I will learn and grow.

tl;dr: I am done lying to myself that I am happy with our marriage, but I am embracing that I can be profoundly disappointed by it while still loving her deeply and thinking well of her.