Feel like I’ve made the my first big “mistake” in life and am feeling so bad about it.

Super long story kinda short(er):

27 F, graduated college 2020. I’m European-American and have wanted to live in Europe since about 2019 (for many reasons I won’t get into - but I’ll sum it up in that it just meant a lot to me to live in Europe for part of my life at least). Original plan was to attend grad school there 2020.

COVID happened and I stayed put, then put off the job hunt for a while and finally after hundreds of applications landed a job. I then wanted to leave in 2023, but… applied to another US job on a whim and…

Changed jobs in 2023 (much higher salary). All this time I had moving abroad in my vision and was generally not living my “best” life because I was planning this “future” life abroad. But I put it off again.

Finally I found another program/town and applied/got in to the program for 2025, and have been planning the “move” almost all year.

After trying to find housing and all the “fun” things you need to do, I realized more how difficult everything would actually be. But I persisted and booked an Airbnb for a month and one way ticket thinking I would have a better chance in-person.

Well we’re here now and after 3 weeks no apartment in sight, expensive flights home, crazy tired, stressed, hate the Airbnb, and regretting it all. I spent so much money on everything and am in Europe but have done and seen so little. I also realized how much of a “creature of comfort” I am and how much I miss all my stuff. My baking stuff, my kitchen, my craft stuff, my clean home. Everything.

I just want to go back. I want to cry but am too tired. I’m so angry at myself for spending this much. How did I not know this wouldn’t be for me? The language, the housing crisis, the unhelpful people.

I’ve spent 6+ years dreaming about some alternate life and it just doesn’t exist. I put off signing up for things at home, buying things, dating, everything.

I feel literally horrible and want to be in my clean bed. I want my money back and my 21-27 years back.

Honestly any words of advice or anything would be so helpful. I feel awful and stupid.