I’m always hovering on the edge of exploring.

I feel like a coward sometimes. I am definitely bisexual, but I lean towards women socially and in long term relationships. I had a couple situationships when I was very young and I didn’t even consider myself gay/bisexual at the time. Once I hit my 30s I realized I was bisexual and my porn habits changed, but I thought the attraction to men was purely sexual and not emotional. Then I was living in a polyamorous relationship for a few years, did some kink stuff, and messed around in some sex clubs with my female partner at the time, but then I ended up haunt lunch with a gay friend of mine and he had mentioned he had an understanding with his husband, then I felt a surging lust towards him tha I never felt before and initiated a heavy make-out session, and literally fell in love on the spot. Right after he said that he had lied and there was no understanding with his husband and we can’t tell anyone. I agreed but told him I’m not going to be involved sexually with him because I don’t do that to peoples relationships, I was pretty pissed and hurt. Tried to have lunch with him again the next week to stay friends and I was blushing and warm/flushed and couldn’t meet his eyes. I knew the that I couldn’t be friends without risking betraying his husband again and ended it right there as positively as I could (he understood).

That broke my idea that I couldn’t be in love with a man, but I’ve never felt that way before nor after.

I tried doing a couple dates, but they ended up being kind of weirdly bitchy (not to me per se, just in general) and I gave up.

I keep trying to set up something in the hook up area thinking I just need to break the ice and I can explore that part of myself more, and I keep not sealing the deal as it were.

Has anyone else experienced anything like this and what did you do to overcome that weird self barrier?