I called and I feel embarrassed

Posting here too bc I feel so alone rn.

Despite the state having a criminal no contact order on him and then I went and got a civil one, I have genuinely no idea why I thought he’d want to talk to me. He’s facing 3 felonies and I called him on no caller ID, he answered and I hung up. I called again early in the morning, he said something, I said “what” and then he immediately hung up in my face.

🥲😂 kinda laughing at myself, feeling pretty embarrassed. I made a whole goodbye email saying I’m never gonna speak to him again just to turn around and call him. I guess on the bright side I don’t have to worry about him calling me. It’s been almost a week since he got arrested. I’m feeling such a weird swirl of emotions. I feel jealousy? Like he’s just going to move on to another girl?? Anger that he’s not answering my call so I can tell him off for what he’s done to me. Sad that he hasn’t tried to apologize.

But he genuinely tried to kill me so idk what I think I’m gonna get out of speaking to him. A part of me is relieved though that he’s not answering and he’s not going to speak to me, so then I can fully move on without worrying about him stalking me, texting me, trying to rope me back in because I’d probably fall for his excuses.