I’m autistic, and have a lot of mental illnesses. I’m also physically disabled. I go through times where I just.. don’t believe myself. I feel like I’m trying to use it as an “excuse”. Recently, work has been pushing more and more shifts on me. For several weeks, I worked 7 days a week. I thought I could do it, even though I’ve had several past experiences where I face major consequences for working too much, 

This led to complete and utter exhaustion and burnout. I began to neglect a lot of my physical needs like eating and making sure my meds got refilled on time. I was constantly overstimulated and never got to decompress, and became increasingly irritable around other people. I just wanted to be left alone for a few hours, a few days. my speech and coordination got worse, and being present got harder and harder. 

It got so bad bad that even thinking about work made me feel like there was a giant anvil dropped on my chest. I began to struggle to stay on my feet for more than 15 minutes without extreme dizziness. I began to dissociate more often then not and derealization began to set in. 

I didn’t get my meds or insulin in time. I was without my ssris for over a week, which is terrible for me. I am not stable or okay without them. I’m not someone who can be off meds. The withdrawals were insanely intense, after taking them so consistently for at least a year. I was without some of my insulin for a day and a half, which also made me very sick. 

Had I not pushed myself so far, and not ignored my limits, I could’ve negotiated days off much sooner with my work. I’ve done that now, and will start having at least one day off a week, but because I ignored my limits, I have missed so much work because I’m so sick and unwell. I love my job so much and it hurts me to let my clients down like this. 

The moral of the story is that my illnesses being invisible to the world do not make them harmless to me. They don’t cease to exist because I or other people choose not to believe in them. It is so hard to truly believe that I am not just some lazy pos taking the easy way out. That I really can’t do certain things. I feel so behind on life all the time, but I really have to learn to give myself grace.  

If I had not pushed myself to meet expectations that are unrealistic for me, I wouldn’t have pushed myself into a state where I am starting to enter the first stages of psychosis. Luckily, it seems to be calming down, but I only experience psychosis when I drink or when I hit my mental breaking point. I need to have time alone to let my brain decompress. I need to have time to rest and do my chores. I need to exist without the weight of expectations that I automatically feel around others. 

I didn’t mean for this post to be so long. I just need to make sure I remember not to put myself through this. After missing four days of work, I am finally feeling real; and like myself. I’m not paranoid, I don’t look at certain things and feel afraid bc they feel “sinister” or “wrong”. I’m not seeing the walls drop or movement in the corners. For a moment I was scared I’d have to go to the hospital again. I don’t want to go anywhere near full blown psychosis, the few times I have gone through that are not experiences I care to repeat.

It’s hard, living a life where my brain is not on my side. When my body is a lemon beater car. But I’m doing it. One day at a time 

The plan to ignore my disabilities did not, in fact, make them go away