I don't see an escape

I hate everything about my life, I have a job that even though I liked at first it just became like any other bs corporate job due to new management, I hate my body and in general the way I look, I hate where I live, I hate the way I think, I hate everything. My friends or coworkers barely want to hang out with me and I can understand why, even though I can be funny I always end up just feeling like an amusement for others because yeah you laugh at my jokes and talk to me but never want to get to know me better or just hang out and if I'm not there nobody notices I'm not. I don't want to make too long of a post I just want to say I am sick of everything. The only reason why I haven't done it sooner is because of my family especially my sister who is only a teenager and I don't want her to have a brother who commited suicide. My family doesn't know about the way I feel because I never talk about anything negative with them, I want them to know I am ok, my mother and grandmother also don't deserve this I don't want to bring them the pain of me dying and what I want so much is to just not care anymore and just do it because I am sick of everything. Everyday it's the same and no matter what I change and no matter how differently I'm trying to live my life this feeling never goes away, the only relief I have are drugs and alcohol but I am sick of that as well, I just want to feel happy again like I was when I was a kid. I am lonely, last time I had a girlfriend was so long ago I am embarrassed to even say and any other girl I tried to get to know I just fuck it up because I lost any sort of confidence in myself, my conversations never go anywhere and it's always so obvious that I talk in a "weird" way or about things that don't really interest anyone I meet. I am thinking of taking some pills and going to sleep and never wake up. I have been thinking about this for so long, I don't want to do it I want to live and I want to never think about this ever again but no matter what I've done it's getting worse almost everyday. I hate myself so much and I have no one to blame for the way my life is right now but me.