27M So indecisive for what I want

As the title says, I’m indecisive. One moment I’m a full on straight guy who loves his girl and is loyal no matter what, but being away from her for months on end turn me to this horny submissive guy who wants to bottom for a nice juicy cock.

Idk what it is but for the last few years of my life I’ve been trying to experience more with other guys and keep it DL. There are times where I enjoy myself and feel like pushing it further from quick bjs to actual penetration but always chicken out once I get the chance to meet up. Then I got a girlfriend earlier this year, a friend I’ve known for a few years and we’re actually talkin about getting married.

Lately tho, due to work, I’ve been away from her for weeks to months on end and I’ve been slipping back onto this page and sniffies, talking with guys, and overall just yearning for someone to give me the full experience I feel I’ve chickened out of so many times before.

I’m caught between staying loyal to my girl and giving myself a one time pass for the experience my other side is begging for and I don’t know what to do. I love my girl so much and I never want to hurt her but at the same time I want just 1 good time before I lock it in with her for good. Do yall think I a hould just suppress this feeling and move on or give in and take it to the grave.

Any advice would be so helpful, please and thank you.