Virgin at 30 yo and it's my fault

I mean... I'm a walking red flag. I feel like throwing up when I think about my life. If I were a woman and saw myself, I would feel extreme rejection.

• I am ugly.
• I have a very strange body.
• I am poor at 30 years old.
• All my life I have only known loneliness and rejection. I don't even know what it's like to kiss or have an affectionate relationship (except with my family).(Obviously virgin )
• I have always been... "slow" in my mind... Probably low iq
• AVPD Disorder
• Small D
• Suicidal tendencies resulting from not being able to feel affection (As a child, girls used to play at running away from me while laughing)

It's not just low self-esteem . It's a reality. My brain observes my life and is honest with me.