I don’t want to be a cuckquean anymore

I really loved this. Or at least I thought. The dynamic of my boyfriend cheating on me really turned me on but I was always reluctant to actually carry it out.

My bf and I broke up last year after he cheated on me. He convinced me for months but adamantly requested for an open relationship. He said he doesn’t want to lie to me anymore but he doesn’t feel like committing right now. He said he really loves me and is okay with me seeing other people as well (as long as I don’t tell him about it) etc.

I didn’t want it but I said yes anyway thinking it’s my kink as well (which he knew already) so I thought I’ll just slowly explore it further.

Ever since, I have told him multiple times how I don’t like this arrangement and have broken up 2-3 times but he convinces me back each time saying none of it matters and that he’s always going to be there for me and that I’m always the priority and that we’re young and this is the only time we have to explore our kinks and interests. Besides we’re LDR so I said yes.

I booked him a hotel for a comedy show this weekend. I knew he was going to have sex this weekend anyway because he asked me to change the hotel to one closer to the city where his ex lives. He doesn’t know that I know this. So I just thought, why not just try out my kink if he’s going to have sex anyway?

So I thought we can try actually doing a cuckquean scenario. He downloaded tinder there and I sent him pictures he could upload. Now, my mom has typhoid and in the hospital far away from me and I’ve been very vulnerable lately I’d say for other reasons too. I tried calling him right now and all I can picture is him having sex with someone else while I’m here.

I don’t even feel bad to be honest. I don’t feel turned on. Or sad. Or jealous.

I just feel disgusted. With myself. And just very pathetic for liking this idk.

I also feel like I have lost feelings for my partner as well.

I’m sorry for this rant.