Just wanted it to get off of my chest

So I’ve been using Reddit for a while and seen a lot of users share their life experiences. So I thought I should too.

Before we start, this is gonna be long. I’ll try to summarize, but when it comes to writing stories, especially about something that really happened, I can write for hours.

Okay, let’s start from the beginning. Back in 2014, when I was 9, I changed schools because of an incident. We used to live in Islamabad at that time. I joined a new school and let’s just say it wasn’t up to the standard of my previous one, and I had to get a van for it.

I used to be like most boys when they’re young, they hate girls. But I didn’t just hate them, I was worse than that (it’s a past I’m so ashamed of). I used to hit them. Yes, you read that right, hit them, punch them, slap them. Not every time, but whenever they came close to me.

I got beaten up by my parents all the time, but idk why I was just like that. In our class, there was a really intelligent girl that for some reason I hated the most but didn’t harm (except the first few days of class). She was fabulous and amazing. When I think about her now, she used to read books and had an aura even as a kid that most girls don’t have even as adults.

Fast forward to 2017, we shifted again, but this time to another country. Just so u know, I’d had my fair share of incidents but they couldn’t do anything about it. I left the school and went abroad. There, I started to change. I started to grow up as a person. My hate for girls changed from girls in general to only foreign girls, especially the western ones. I started to have respect for girls from Pakistan.

There I had my fair share of experiences. And after all the COVID drama ended, we returned to Pakistan. Honestly, it was a good decision. I had changed a lot as a person. While I was there, I started to realize that I had done something really wrong. Slowly but surely, that classmate of mine started to come into my head again and again. And then to the point that every time she came to mind it was admiration. Was it regret for what I did to her, or something else? I couldn’t tell.

I was in year 11 (11th grade). I got admission to a college but didn’t attend a single class the whole time I was there, because it was my father’s friend’s college. During that time, I didn’t study, just played all day and scrolled Insta. Then one day, I saw a reel and the person in it seemed familiar. I went to the profile and boom, it was her. My mind glitched and I didn’t know what to do.

Just in case you’re wondering, at this point I’m comfortable talking to girls, but I didn’t know how to start a convo. I grabbed my keys and rode my bike to Jinnah Park because that’s what I did when I couldn’t think straight. I started running to the point I almost collapsed. Everything started to feel slow. It was like my time to die had come. I went back to my bike and this was the first time I rode like a maniac. The time it takes from my house to F9 is like 30 mins on a normal ride, but that day I covered it in like 17 mins.

For months I just looked at her profile. Like hell, I didn’t even follow her. And then one day she released a book. I didn’t waste a single second, I bought it. Two days later it came and I read the whole thing in one day. This time, I had the courage to follow her. I broke my rule of not following girls and celebs for the first time. Now whenever she put a story on her profile, I could see it.

Then one day, without even seeing who it was, I replied to a story on her profile. I wrote a long ass message and after a few minutes, I got a reply from her. I was so shocked that again I couldn’t think straight. But this time I didn’t do anything crazy. I casually read her reply and started a convo, introduced myself and everything.

We had conversations every week, but I just couldn’t bring myself to tell her how I felt. I started to feel insecure, angry, ashamed, and regretful because I felt like I was wasting her time. So I stopped. Deleted my Insta.

I joined a gym to build muscles (didn’t really build any). Got super aggressive on my bike to the point I crashed it to ruins. Thankfully I survived because I used to wear a helmet, not for safety but to listen to music. Fighting with people for no reason etc.

Slowly, I started to heal, but in a weird way. I started smiling a lot.

At this point, it’s been 2 years. It’s not like I can’t find someone else, it’s just that I can’t get over her. I don’t want to play with someone else’s feelings. I’m not talking about a haram relationship, I even had the choice of getting into nikah with someone. I haven’t seen her IRL, but idk why it’s like this. Don’t know how things will go for me.

As of now, I know for a fact that only Allah can help me. It was just something I wanted to get off my chest.