why cant i open up to people

‘I feel’ words that I was never able to freely share with anyone in this world, I hear people’s problems at the same time just drift and ask myself how are they able to share all that?  Am I the problem or is it that I never found the one true person to share my feelings with? I tried hundreds of times to do so but never managed to blurt out the words, and if I did start talking I never share the full story, a lot of details I keep to myself I try to lie to myself that I felt better after giving up the half truth but some time later I realize the lie and just move on.

I thought to myself, maybe its some trust issues I have or that what im hiding is really not for sharing with anyone, maybe I just don’t like exposing myself too much to people or is it that I don’t want to people to pity me ? will feel weak after sharing my thoughts and secrets ? but I always fall back to the same question, how do my friends or the people around me open up to me so freely without hesitating sparing no details or words, giving me the full truth. Am I the reason ? do I actually give them the space to open up? Or am I trustworthy for them? Is it that they don’t care? But still the things they share with me is not some normal problems or normal i know about a lot of dark things about them, problems with their families , work, life, relationships, childhood trauma and stories.

I always have this feeling that im carrying too much, things kept inside me that tier me out that drain me things that I shouldn’t be worrying about in this age I feel that talking it out would actually help me a lot take off the stress that I feel, but who will I talk to ? I feel that sharing and hearing people’s thoughts might actually help a lot but its something inside me that stops me for opening up no matter how I believe I trust the person infront of me no matter how close we are even the people that share with me the most fucked up matters in their lives.

I came up with an idea, why not try to write what I feel and what’s on my mind isn’t it the same as speaking it out to someone? Its still considered opening up? I am talking these thoughts out my brain, now the next question is what do I start with from what part of my life do I begin talking about? My childhood? Situations that happened and I still remember them from my childhood? My family drama and secrets? The fact that I don’t know a lot about my father and his life ? the fact that he wasn’t in my life much since I was young until I graduated school? Or my current life? What I feel about some people in my life at the moment? My love life ? my feelings that I have in this particular stage of my life which is studying abroad all by my self ? All these piled up emotions and feelings that I don’t even know how to organize them. I had panic attacks this summer for the first time in my life the first time it happened I didn’t understand why it happened thought that I will actually die the next two times where I start crying for no reason without making any noise just staring at whatever is in front of me and tears start pouring down those two times where actually great I don’t know how to explain it but I felt amazing for some time after it happened like I was relived and a huge part of the stress just went away.

After writing all of this I still don’t know what do I want to say or what do I even feel why did I start writing all of a sudden. I grew up with the idea that a man or a boy shall not complain and whine about his problems and used to actually stick to it even till now I am living by that idea, but slowly started to realize that why? Why would I keep all these things to myself. Anyways I want to stop it here maybe I will continue in the future maybe not but I enjoyed writing this up. after reading this I feel like I want to post it on reddit