What’s love for them

Have you ever wondered what love truly means for them? At the beginning of our relationship with my expwBPD, she asked me what love meant to me. I told her that, in my view, love is when you care for the other person more than you care for yourself. She, on the other hand, said that for her, love was choosing to live with the other person despite their flaws.

At the time, I didn’t give much thought to that conversation, but over time the difference in perspective became much clearer. For me, love is a feeling that puts the well-being of the other person at the center, even if it means sacrifice. For her, instead, it was something more self-centered: simply accepting me as I was, but without it implying a true desire for me to be better. It was a kind of “loving me” because, with both my strengths and weaknesses, I still provided her with some benefit.

I believe this vision is common among people with borderline or narcissistic traits: every gesture, even those that appear to be for the other person, actually carries a personal return. There was the fear of losing me, the need to “match” what I did for her to avoid feeling less, or simply the fear of no longer having what made her feel good. But that is not love: it is possession, need, emotional convenience.

It’s a bit like someone saying they “love” money: what they really love is the comfort money brings. No one would willingly die just to cash out a life insurance policy. True love, instead, resembles that of a mother who, if she could, would give her life so her child could continue living. Because real love means putting the other person before yourself.