Sorry, You

I am finally at a place of peace, but I need to get this off my chest, recognizing my mistakes.

I shouldn’t have posted publicly—even on a private forum where I was used to just journaling my own thoughts to help process my issues—personal life information, even if it’s publicly available details. I went overboard. I was in full meltdown and doing my best to deal with everything on my own, but I wasn’t responsible, considerate, or kind to people I once held dear.

I treated a dumb page as a journal and as a tool to lash out when I was hurting, instead of processing things in any kind of private way. I said a lot of things I regret out of pain, and ultimately couldn’t take any of it anymore. The reports and everything might have been a wake-up call to someone in a normal state of mind, but I am only a fallible human dealing with a loss I considered significant and world-shattering.

The reports didn’t do anything—it was my account and so reddit doesn’t do anything about that—but I saw them all. I did the one smart thing at the time, and deleted my account and everything on it. Not to escape my actions or the vitriol of others, but to bring space and try to take some accountability for the way I was hurting someone, and tried to get my head on straight again.

I regret everything that happened. I still wish I could have talked about things with the person in question, and maybe get some closure and help resolving things I was deeply struggling with, but I recognize that wasn’t going to be an option.

My only reason for typing this out is to try to take accountability for the ways I lashed out, and any pain I might have inflicted while dealing with my own.

I am sorry. I am sorry for not being able to handle all of it with grace or tact, I am sorry for being rude and mishandling things even before the breakup. I am sorry for posting even vague details of someone else’s private life, I am sorry for lashing out, I am sorry for everything else that happened.

I am not writing this out of some sort of self-pity or malice, or even seeking out contact. It is enough for me to know that this is here.

I am sorry for my poor discretion and the pain I caused others. I am sorry for lashing out, for not behaving, for not being appreciative at times, for being weird or cringe. I apologize for any pain that the past has caused, and I would say it all again with my voice if I could. I am sorry for making You cry. I really am.

I do not need reconnection, I do not want people secretly checking on me still, and I have never been a threat to anyone. Despite whatever happened, or how deep the extent of betrayal may have been, I never would have even thought about hurting anyone.

She could have actively cheated on me, as my friends and sister think she did, and I still would never have considered hurting anyone. I have never been that kind of person, and anyone honest about me would know that’s not who I am. I genuinely never meant to cause even emotional harm in the first place, I just spiraled.

At the end of the day, I was a hurt, traumatized, bitter man losing someone who said she would always be there as the love of my life to work through things—and it still doesn’t excuse what I did.

I guess I was wrong, in the end though. I am only left to think that our relationship was very one sided, and only served to uplift her while she let everyone else believe what they wanted about me, and I’ve even seen her lie to my sister about me months after the fact.

And out of all of the other betrayals she committed, whether she takes accountability for them or not, the only one I haven’t forgiven is trying to lie to my sister about me—my sister who I have taken care of since she was a child, who has called me out many times for my bad behavior and I sheepishly accept the criticism and change.

So, say what you want about me, but I loved. I gave what many people dream about finding, and I was loyal to the point of ignoring my own self respect just to try to make amends with someone I believed loved me too. Don’t forgive my crashout, but remember that I never once have lied about Her, even in private. I have never defamed or smeared Her character—only wanted accountability for her actions and defamation about me behind my back.

Who someone is at the end of a relationship I believe reflects who they really are. If I am the type to experience this much heartache, pain, anger, and resentment at the betrayal then, in a way, it’s great that I loved this person completely. But I also can’t be someone who hurts the people I love. I’ve experienced far too much of that in my life to be that kind of person, even at my lowest and weakest.

I am personally disgusted with myself for not being strong enough to handle it better and reflecting the type of person I despise. I hope for a quiet respectful forgiveness, and even if I am berated again, at least this time I reflected who I really am and can stand by it.

I recognize that we had an issue of timing in our relationship, and went at different speeds, and a bunch of other lessons I took from it that I’ve thought about and worked on and changed about myself to be someone who won’t repeat these same mistakes.

If I could have done it all again with how I have changed now, I certainly would have been a better partner. Most of all, I am sorry for ever making someone I loved feel alone or neglected, even though I went through great lengths to always give my support and love so that she never felt lonely.

I fucked up, and I am sorry. I hope one day she could forgive me, but I will just have to forgive myself and be kinder to myself.

I had hoped and thought that She would have seen my struggles and been empathetic with them as I had been with hers, but I can’t change what happened and can only do my best to overcome it, like now, trying my best to take accountability for my failures and flaws to change to be better.

I was devoted to Her, and cherished every scrap of paper she gave me, every insignificant moment shared together was one I hungered for, and I was there to support and care for her in her darkest moments. Whether it was letting her mascara ruin my favorite shirts with tears or taking her someplace quiet to collect herself after something happened, and being an ear to listen. Every apology she gave was met with nothing from me but a warm smile and tenderness, saying, “who they fuck cares about these things when my partner is crying and needs me? What else can I possibly do for you while being here for you? How can I serve you?” telling her that her frequent apologies never made sense to me because there was nothing to apologize for.

And yet, when there was something I needed an apology for, and real accountability to be had, that well had run dry.

Before the relationship ended, all I wanted was accountability and reconnection. To talk and work things out. To hear each other out, really understand each other’s perspectives, cry and give heartfelt apologies, and to meet each other as equals to reflect on where things were going wrong in our relationship and repair things, and make compromises for the sake of a future together. I was ready for that, and ready to make the bigger compromises for the sake of her dreams and happiness and tried my best to show it.

I know I fucked up. I know I did dumb shit, I know I wasn’t perfect by any means. But my loyalty was never a doubt in my mind, and my support and care that she leaned on so much, I always gave without a second thought and sometimes without a first one either.

I wish I wasn’t overwhelmed and that I could have been a good enough person to have overcome my anxieties in NY to do the things asked of me without shutting down. I have overcome a lot of these in therapy, but actively trying to earn the respect of people that do not want me around is something I think everyone struggles with.

I already knew from the moment I was sick in NYC that I was messing things up and was internally already beating myself up. It had been the one thing I thought, over and over to myself and swore to myself, that I would put double or triple the maximum amount of effort to making her feel like I would always be there to support her and give her the world, as long as it didn’t cost my self-respect or cross boundaries.

I wanted to make the next steps in my career faster, so that I could move with her and support her through whatever goals she had, as I felt she would do for me. I had planned to lavish her with so much love that she would never question my feelings for her, or my devotion again, if she had any doubts.

I don’t know if anyone will ever see this? I would have tried to reach out directly to apologize for everything but I think I’ve done enough.

And if I never hear from You again, just know that I want You to be happy, flourish, and grow. I wish You the best of luck. Even if I never get an apology from You, I am sorry about our past and wish we could have done better for each other. I still think we could, but I am focusing on using what I learned for the next person I call my partner, and on myself still.

I am going through alot but this needed to come off my chest.