Estranged Mother Keeps Reaching Out

I've been NC with my mom for I don't even know anymore maybe 4 or 5 years. I have her number muted in my phone changed her name from mom to her actual name and she usually doesn't contact me. I get the sense that she is going through something as everyday for the past like week and a half she's been texting me everyday saying things like hope you are well, love you. All nice on the surface but completely inappropriate for the relationship we have.

Obviously I've blocked her but having to receive these messages has stirred up so many emotions. It brings up unresolved/unprocessed trauma, I feel guilt and shame for not responding even though I understand I don't owe her anything, and overall just incredible sadness because I do wish my mom was in my life, but not this version or this mother. I miss the mother I deserved, not the one I have.

My nervous system has been activated and I've been feeling like I'm being dragged down into my sadness. It just hurts. I'm grieving and I'm angry that she won't leave me alone. I get that she is lonely and I actually kind of pity her, but she was not safe to be around as a child, and I have no trust that she is safe for me to be around now and I'm unwilling to give her a chance. I need to protect myself and my own peace.

But I guess I feel lost in this period of longing and grief. Is this what being estranged from a parent will look and feel like for the rest of my life? Will I go through years of being somewhat okay and accepting of the situation, to then being completely overwhelmed by grief? I'm tired of crying and feeling sad over this loss because for so long it was hard but manageable and now I feel like a wreck. I know it's not the most practical thought but I already spent so many years consumed by the anger and depression and grief that I thought I wouldn't have to go through it again, at least not like this. It's a bit silly I know, but after things being so hard for so long and my journey through healing being an ever upward climb a part of me just yearns for things to be easier after finally putting myself first.