So I like some advice, venting to, just reaching out to who will read and listen. The tea in my life is real. 🤣🤣😭😭😭🍵

33M Gay and My bf and I broke up a few months ago. Sadly I seen it coming way before it happened and I got depressed during the time when we was dating. I gained a lot of weight and I felt like I was competing with tiktok, snap chat and his toilet time after work at a gas station. It does not take hours to shit.

Anytime I wanna take him on a date I had to schedule an appt but if I schedule and his friends have a overlaying event. I was instantly tossed to the side. This lead me to drinking heavier and I gained a lot of weight. He brought a house and wanted me to move in, but I declined. Because he dirty, the roommate female is nasty af, and two many uncleaned animals. I went as far to tell him that I drink when I visit to help kill what ever germs in my belly so I don't get food poisoning. But the real reason was, it numb my feelings and thoughts. So it was easier to mask the discontent I had with the relationship.

Time passed and I had a sad family matter that happen. I gave up weed years ago, but decided to have a blunt to chill, think, mellow out, take a break from my cheap liquor bottles. I never smoke that his house, only mine and I recently got my own house to about four months after his house. He visit and tears into me about smoking saying that I lied and imma get a addicted. -.- He already knows I'm Bipolar/PTSD on the spectrum but not truly diagnosed as an adult. I said respectfully. It's my house. I didn't do it in front of you. I took a shower and I just wanna watch you play the game and enjoy your company. Usually when I am with him. Food is always taken care of. Whether I cook dinner for him and his roommate and friends, and wash dishes before and after or breakfast before they go to work. Momma taught me that if you have food and someone is hungry. Go ahead and feed them. So I always lived by that. I'm OCD with dirty dishes piled up in the sink so they know/used to visit at least once a week because they know I just compulsively wash the dishes and straighten up the kitchen. And after they moved into the new house I cook breakfast for them Sunday and them same m************ dishes was here they next Sunday in the same ghod damn spot.

But before I get into that. We sleeping in the bed together, no sex and I always wake up early. This mf, mind you my ex is younger than me. Literally woke up, grabs phone off the charger. Sends snap streaks, open tick tok and just start scrolling. I turn to face his back and said good morning. He mumbles it back not facing and continued to do his scrolling. So then I said, imma cook breakfast before y'all go to. Besides that is there anything that you would like. All he asked for was extra bacon and liver pudding with the grits. I cook, we eat together, hug and kissed good by. They went to work. I cleaned my mess, and the pots I used. Locked up there house. And left to go to mine. A 45min drive when driving legally.

⚠️ trigger warning ⚠️

During that time I was just thinking, of our routine, what we do, and don't. How I am treated. How I treat him. And I literally was tearing up because I knew I should end it. But a lonely person myself I didn't want to. But at the same time. Feeling my now fat belly and titties bounce with every road imperfection. I was like. I look and feel disgusting. I should and could do better. Relapse or not. I don't wanna go so low to where I kill myself. I tried multiple times in the past and ended up in a wheelchair for 2 years for one of my attempts among other things that I would not mention because I do not want to trigger nobody. I shouldn't let other actions affect my wheel. Being. So I was like let me see if I can take him to the beach and talk about it. I've been trying to go with them all summer long and he kept canceling on me despite me paying for everything. So that night. I called and said I like to talk. He said oh God what you wanna talk about.

I told them how I felt in our relationship and how our habits, hobbies and the time we spent together seems off. Can we come up with a schedule to rekindle our relationship or maybe a mediator that does not know us. He told me, I feel like you thought about this for a while and you wanna break up. I said no. I don't but I am also not happy among other things. Long story short we broke up.

Truth be told I knew it was going to happen eventually. Not saying I was catfish in the beginning but he told me that he was Honduran but ended up being mixed. The reason why I mention that is because while we was dating he told me that his family was racist especially his brother and that his family supported Trump. IDK about now because his racist mom just found out that she was the second wife and she is only here legally or so I think because they got married before having three kids. Two surviving. Despite all this and I should have ran away sooner, I said it's okay I can deal with it. I was able to meet the brothers, his sister passed away a year before we started dating and actually our first date was at her graveyard. Which is another reason why I didn't want to break up with him because mentally I felt like I don't know how to explain it. I first date was at your sisters grave site. I can work through this since you was kinda enough to let me meet her. So this is ultimately why I stuck around for so long. We dated for a year and a few months. The first three to four months was amazing everything after that was s***.

But anyway after breaking up. I was relieved and sad and depressed at the sametime. Feeling empty, unwanted, used, unloved. I even let her meet my family and my mother. Even though my mom did try to warm me basically saying you could do better. But I was like, he has his own charm to him. I should of listen to momma. Another red flag was his roommate always talking s*** about her now baby daddy and as far as I know the baby daddy never met her parents either. Months later after the break up.

I started trying to date again. As I said. I'm Bipolar/PTSD somewhat on the spectrum. One of the reasons why I was dating my ex was because I didn't know how to tell him about it so I was pretty much open. Even with the stuff I post online and reddit. I didn't hide anything and he accepted me so I felt special or at least start I found the one.

Now me moving forward I don't know if I should be up front with this, or keep it to myself. I am not rich by any means but I am stable. I got a mortgage that makes me house broke, but the freedom to take my time and enjoy life. I recently gave up liquor, I've been stopped smoking weed, it was literally just something temporary that i did till I ran out. I lost about 40lbs and looking to lose more.

But I also notice to more weight I lose, especially since I stopped drinking. My hypersexuality and porn and bait addiction started flaring up badly. I take one bad habit and switch with another. I had a mental health breakdown at work, broke my arm out of frustration and haven't been at work for a month n some change. Thank God I am still able to pay my bills, but that is more time that I have to myself, lonely and easy access to porn and the time to bait all day.

But I want companionship, I want to have a local friend. A unbiased understanding one. We don't have to do anything, but if they did. I won't be upset about it, but I also like someone to enjoy walks, hiking, and lift with me when my arm heals. But I also find it hard to date because people work 2-3job, basically treat me or assume I'm shit because I don't work as hard as they do. Plus even if I was to try to meet or get to know them. The free lil time they do have, they just wanna hook up. And I admit. I be down for it sometimes but mostly I want my own and can skip it. But then that makes me forever alone because no one wants a relationship, no one wants to date, just sex and go back to work.

And this is pushing me to date older men, which I don't mind but me dating someone my father age or older will probably make my parents put me in the ward or they push more women on me.

Sorry for the long post, but is there any life advice, tips, suggestions. Anything to help me out with my situation. Reddit is a good and bad thing. Most people in my DMs just message for pics, cum and disappear. Not that I am made but it gets annoying. Especially when 80% of them live in a different country and the ones that live in my country are too far away for me to even consider dating or getting to my know. And just for the record, I have had a long-term boyfriend in the past of more than seven years but it just didn't work out but we still friends to this day. My current x and I are not friends, but we still have each other on Facebook. -.-

But anyway for those that read it thank you in advance for your time. I hope that my grammatical errors was not too bad.