My love and I are not ready but it’s coming.

Hi. First post. Scared and ashamed. But you all know how that is. I am safe here. I am a life long addict. My fiance (37m) and I (40f) are both addicts. We’ve been together since 2022 but we both have a history that extends into our teens, riddled with addiction. We have both kicked alcohol and cocaine out of our lives. I was 100% clean and sober from 2008-2022. I know how wonderful life can be. After an 11 month alcohol relapse I am alky free since late 2022. Partner and I got together in December 22 and psychedelics became a fun recreational thing from time to time by March 2023. Then in August 2023, he introduced me to K. He was reluctant. I was too and proceeded to only dabble once every so often (like months in between) until this year. I feel the pull. You know. THE PULL. It says keep coming back. It’s not that bad if you just do a little…. Think about it a little at work…this would be more fun with a little k… ugh.

So last month we went on a two week bender for the first time. I would cry and say that’s enough. I don’t want anymore. He would say OK, but then the very next day bring home a bag. I would cry and express how difficult this was for me, that if it was in front of me I couldn’t say no, but if it was not near me, I was OK. So the bender continued, until my partner ultimately, had a psychotic break and became manic to the point where he was being destructive in his relationships, erratic in his behavior, and grandiose in his thoughts and ideas. I ended up taking him to the crisis center and subsequently he landed in a psych unit for several days. He was released back and came home to me. We were clean for two weeks. And then I asked him the silly question “do you have any cravings?“ And he said, of course I do. I agreed, I did as well. After several days of discussing and saying, no, we need to continue to stop using, he came home with it. You know that feeling you get when you love something you know you should hate and you don’t wanna do it but you do it anyway? Of course you do, we all do.

The problem is, I don’t wanna fall back into a bender. I wanna go back just a few months ago, to where we could dabble and have a fun weekend and then not have it around for a while. I’m concerned that we have passed that threshold of control. I worry because I still don’t think he is fully out of his mania. I think we both fuel each other and enable each other and unfortunately, I’ve never loved anyone as much as I’ve loved him. I don’t really know what I’m looking for here, but I just needed to get this out to fellow like-minded people. I am looking into dharma recovery and couples counseling on top of already existing counseling and medication for mental health. I am still a grounded and well balanced person. My children and my job and my love of life keep me safe. But that pull. I’m so mad at the pull!