I am so upset with myself

I had an appointment for the NP that prescribes my meds this morning. She specializes in neurodevelopmental disorders and is the person who diagnosed me. I had a work Zoom meeting and knew it would be a right turn around but doable to get there as long as I left on time (definitely a mistake to assume I could do that). I was doing well on getting out the door, but could not find my glasses I set down while getting ready. This is a daily event. I usually have two pairs for this reason, but my dog broke the second set. I’m running around frantically trying to find them.

I finally found them and I’m behind 7 minutes. I convince myself that I can make up the time on the way. I text my NP that I’m running late (she has a policy for a grace period of 5-7 minutes). She didn’t respond but at least she will see it and know. I rush driving there and get into the center her office is in. I am finding a place to park and a crane doing construction in the center is causing a line of traffic leading to her office. I’m closing in on the time window and panicking. I try calling her office as well. I finally get to a parking spot and rush in.

I’m 2 minutes beyond her late window when I get in her office. I explain myself to the receptionist and say I understand if she can’t see me. She calls my NP. She says she can’t see me. I’m mortified and upset, but hold it together and tell the receptionist I’ll reschedule. I head back to my car and see I have a missed call from the office. I call back and they want to reschedule me. I schedule for the next earliest availability-over a month later.

I cry on my way home because I’m so upset with myself for being late to yet another thing in my life and wasting my NP’s time. I hate looking incompetent. It’s the bane of my existence. I really needed to ask about my medication side effects, and now I can’t for another month. I call my husband to let him know I’m already returning home. He lets me know we were charged $200 by my NP.

I check my email and she sent me the invoice for a missed appointment while I was at the office. Can’t blame her-the late policy is something I signed that I understood. But now, I can’t get help with my meds, I missed my appointment, and I’m out $200 for something that usually costs $25. Some days, I really just hate that I function this way. Hours of wasted time and wasted money because I didn’t know where my stupid glasses were. If I could just lessen my forgetfulness by like 10%, I think my life would be so much easier. I just had to complain somewhere about my own annoyance with myself. ADHD tax is real.