I hate myself for this, but...

At the risk of judgment, though I do know how respectful, supportive, understanding and compassionate many or most of you can be, I'm putting this out there because I need to cope somehow.

I'm 35 weeks. It was a totally unexpected pregnancy. I'm of "advanced maternal age." I really, really did not want another baby. I have one child, and we are struggling enough financially as it is. Plus, my husband and I are older. The part I'm judging myself most for, though, is that I'm having a girl, and I never wanted to have a girl (my first is a boy). Maybe it's because I dealt with so many "mean girls" as a kid - an understatement. These girls were straight up evil bitches. I also just feel like boys are so much easier - no severe hormonal stage, less head-butting with their mothers, less drama, etc. My friends' little girls annoy the crap out of me. Part of that may be parenting issues, but the crying and overreactions to everything drives me nuts, and for whatever reason, I have no desire to deal with dresses, frills, bows, and hair. Maybe that's because I was always a bit of a tomboy and just got along better with male friends. I did love fashion and make-up in my 20s and early 30s, but becoming a mom and struggling financially deleted that from my list of priorities. I don't know. On top of struggling to accept having a totally unplanned pregnancy, accepting having a girl is hard, and she'll be here in a month. I know as soon as I see her, I'll have that unconditional, intense love feeling, so I'm trying to bank on that. I know I can parent her so she doesn't become a mean girl or overly dramatic, etc., but I'll have to support her as she deals with that crap. The bottom line is I didn't, and don't, want this. I need to be raw and brutally honest with a group about this, so here I am. My coping skills are basically nil at this point. If anybody else has felt this way or has solutions, I'm desperate to hear from you. Thanks for reading.