im tired of trying

I have a bunch of issues. mainly ocd, and this strange thing idk what to call. its not trauma in the actual sense i guess because its not as severe but because of a bunch of stressors esp at home, i developed in a way that i ended up very neurotic and chronically stressed. im back in a more depressed state now. ive been getting therapy and im on meds and i understand that it will take time to undo the damage that took so long to happen but im so tired.

i keep trying but im stuck in such a weird way that its invisible to everyone else. everyone thinks my problems are made up or im lazy and whiny and i never do anything about it. how can i ever prove to others that im sick n tired of trying. how much more do i have to try.

my issues will always be seen as a personal failure. they will never be real enough to others. i feel sick all the time but its never what matches others' criteria of sickness

i cant ever stop stressing. i do realize that a lot of my problems are because of stress so i tell myself that i should fix this problem of mine but chronic stress is so weird it's like it seeps into every fibre of ur being and it becomes a default for ur brain. often times its passive stress that im not fully conscious of. and even if im conscious of it, i tell myself to stop being stressed and that makes me more stressed.

i cant recall a single moment of life when i wasnt stressed or shiit scared. im not saying my life has never been good it's just thats my default and that's the state ive always been in.

when will it end? it seems like it never will. im doomed to live like this. no one can save me. im doomed to live life in the sidelines watching people do what they want and achieve their dreams.

i know that if there's ever a tiny chance of me getting better, itll require me putting in effort and itll be like trying to move a mountain. but sometimes i just get so exhausted i just wanna give up. i dont wanna do anything i dont wanna try anymore. and not even d3ath will bring me relief.