I'm super depressed

Please don't judge me. I just need to get it off my chest.

I don’t even know if I was ever saved. People say “you’ll know” when you meet Christ, but I’ve never felt it. Two years ago I thought my whole life was changing. I quit smoking weed and cigarettes, I stopped listening to worldly music, I cut out cursing. I had all the “right” fruits. But looking back, I never felt that spark, that life, that people talk about.

Two weeks ago I picked up cigarettes again. Now I’m just stuck in bed all day, feeling like I’m dying inside. I listen to other people’s testimonies — freedom from depression, freedom from anxiety, miraculous deliverance — and all I can think is why not me? Does God even know my name? Does He see me at all?

I’ve tried everything. Reading more Bible. Going to church. Fasting. Praying. Doing nothing. Surrendering. Crying out for Him to pull me out of this pit. Nothing. It’s like He’s more active in letting the enemy attack me than in saving me.

Honestly, I feel like a hypocrite. All this time I’ve been preaching God’s love and how He saves people, yet I’m the most miserable of all. In a few weeks I’m invited to play at a Christian concert in front of 1500 people, praising God and His love, yet I can’t even write songs because I don’t truly believe what I’m writing anymore.

I’m desperate for His love, but I can’t find it anywhere. The Bible that once gave me comfort now feels like a book of condemnation. It says, “There is no condemnation in Christ,” but all I feel is condemned. People say, “Don’t go by your feelings, go by faith,” but I’m so tired of that. I’m exhausted. Following Christ feels unbearable now.

If I were really a believer, I’d be trusting Him. I’d have hope. But I don’t. There’s barely any hope left in me. I’m scared my heart will keep growing harder, that each day I’ll feel less conviction of my sins, drifting further from God until one day I wake up on the other side and He tells me He never knew me. I’m empty, and I don’t know what to do anymore.