I want to try a non con roleplay but am embarrassed and am not sure exactly what I what

Hello everyone. I'm new to this sub.

Tldr: I want to try a fantasy/roleplay that I'm fairly new to and am struggling with feelings of shame because of a past trauma. I also need ideas/ specifics on what I or my partner can say or do during this roleplay.

I have had non consent fantasies in the past. However, due to having a lousy psychiatrist for 7-8 years (couldn't find anyone else who was accepting patients), I ended up on this insane med regimen that was just not working. I'm in the process of fixing my meds with a new psychiatrist who is great. Yesterday was my last day of taking lurasidone, an antipsychotic which has sexual side effects. I had been decreasing the dose over the past month with the help of my psychiatrist. About a week ago I started to think about sex again, and feel more horny in general for the first time in at least a year. The next step is to decrease another one of my other meds and my psychiatrist said this may help even more, which I'm very happy about.

Anyway. I have had non con ish fantasies in the past before the annoying meds, but I was too shy to try them much and was struggling with PTSD (still am but it's much better). Now that I'm off some meds, I'm having all these feelings and fantasies again and I'm kind of overwhelmed by them because I haven't felt like this in so long. I really want to try a non con roleplay with my boyfriend (he knows about this and wants to as well), but I'm so embarrassed. I had this horrible thing happen to me and yet I want to be used and hurt? What's wrong with me?

I trust my boyfriend more than anyone. We've been together 5 years and have put a lot of effort into our relationship, learning how to communicate better and stuff.

I want to try this fantasy again, now that I've had time to process the trauma. My concern is that this is an unhealthy coping mechanism for the trauma and may do more harm than good.

Also, I want to resist and try to get away, but I'm not sure specifically what I should say or do. And I want more physical force but I'm not exactly sure what that would look like. I'm not very good at acting so stuff like this doesn't necessarily come easily to me.

So I have a few questions.

1. How can I get over my embarrassment about this?
2. Is non con a bad idea for someone with trauma?
3. I need ideas on what to say to him during the roleplay. I was thinking something like "please no I'm a virgin" or "no not my ass it will hurt so bad" but I don't want to just say the same thing over and over.
4. What are some physically forceful things my partner can do? I want him to be really rough and feel completely helpless. But I'm not sure exactly what that would look like. I especially like anal if that helps. Not just the physical aspect but also because it makes me feel dirty and like I'm doing something wrong if that makes sense.

If you have ideas, being specific would be helpful.

Also, I have discussed all of this with my boyfriend and will continue to do so. I just was curious about hearing someone else's perspective.

Sorry this is so long. Thanks for reading.