AITA for ruining the family holidays?

My wife and I became the default hosts for every family function after we built a new home in 2010. We built larger home that was designed for entertaining. A large dining room, huge family room, and a big deck over a walkout basement patio. We have a large family and like to entertain, but we didn't intend to become the default for everything for the last 15 years.

At first it was great, we hosted for Thanksgiving and Christmas the first year and we could easily fit the whole family, SOs, and a few friends. Then the next year it was all the major holidays. Memorial Day, 4th of July, Labor Day, and the year-end holidays too. Then the requests started coming in. A party for a nephew's graduation, a shower for a niece's baby, a practice dinner for an aunt's wedding. All fine, but we started to feel like we were just a venue. The more troubling point was that the family wouldn't contribute much to the events and everyone would clear out when it came time to clean-up. We started feeling more like service people instead of family.

Last year, in 2024, we got the request to host a wedding for a cousin's daughter, one we aren't really close with and rarely see even though they only live a few miles away. We were agreed to host the ceremony and a "Hors d'oeuvre" reception, but then they pressured us into allowing the groom's family to stay with us for the week of the wedding. People we had never met before.

The wedding pushed us over the limit as we'd effectively become a hotel for non-family guests and following the ceremony, the reception turned into more of a house party and the next day not a single person stayed to help clean up the mess.

We decided it was someone else's turn to host the holidays in 2024 and we were going to opt out when the conversation came up. As Thanksgiving approached, no one in the family said anything and we got an offer from friends to join them for Thanksgiving, so we accepted. When my wife's sister called the Saturday before Thanksgiving to ask what to bring, my wife simply said we had other plans. That started the moaning and groaning from family.

After Thanksgiving the whole family was on us about Christmas plans at our house. We explained that we were worn out and needed a break. No one had volunteered to host and friends, who are DINKS, always head to Mexico for the week of Christmas and had offered for us to join them many times, so we accepted their offer. While we're in Mexico, one of our nieces that we're close with calls my wife and begs her to allow her to host Christmas dinner in our house as no one else has a house that is big enough for the whole family to be together on Christmas day. My wife tells her it's ok if it's just for the day and that we expect everyone to clean up after themselves. I told my wife I thought it was a bad idea, but permission was given. The family arrived on Christmas (Wednesday) and we got pictures of the festivities and "wish you were here" texts. But they didn't clear out at the end of the day, they moved in and stayed in the house through New Year's day, the day we flew back. We could see them coming and going through our security cameras and we called them and told them it wasn't cool, but they just laughed it off saying they'd clean up and we'd never know they'd been there.

When we got home, nothing could have been further from the truth. Our niece that had begged for the permission to host Christmas dinner was still there trying to clean up. She was in tears because the family had again left the place a mess and bailed out on the clean-up duty. The family collectively went on a bender for NYE and cleaned out our liquor cabinet to boot.

This year we have refused to host any of the holidays and turned down requests to host other events for family. We've been straight-up with the family on why we are no longer hosting family events unless it is one of our immediate family members. This weekend we had a birthday party for my mother and invited the whole family.

While everyone was there, the topic of this year's holidays came up and quickly degenerated into a shouting match after we said no to hosting either Thanksgiving or Christmas. We brought up how our house had been used and left trashed by a portion of the family last Christmas and named names. Now 1/2 the family is mad at us, calling us selfish, and accusing us of ruining the holidays.

AITA? Are my wife and I being selfish and ruining the holidays?