missing my boy Chancho and just wanted to let this out

hi everyone, i just need a space to let this out. i lost my dog, chancho, in February of this year, and i still miss him so much. i miss his little bark, the sound of him running on hardwood floors, his tiny sneeze.

i adopted him when he was about a year old, at a time when i was at my lowest. i felt so alone, and i did not know how to ask for help or how to be vulnerable. a friend found him on facebook and said he needed to be re-housed. when i arrived, there was a little kid with his family and i was told the kid was too aggressive with him. it hurt to see how quickly they were willing to give him up. he looked terrified, and something about that drew me to him. i thought i could save him and give him the life he deserved. little did i know, he would be the one to save me.

i took him home and at first he hated me. he preferred my friend. he was a rescue and had been abused before, so it made sense. i was not upset, i just wanted to help and give him space. later that night, he began to open up. i showed him around my place, a townhome with a little yard in the back. for him, it was huge, and he loved it. there was even a doggy door, which i taught him to use over time. we went to dog parks, and slowly he began to love me. my favorite thing was watching him sunbathe.

eventually, we moved back to my parents’ house after i got into some trouble and felt even more hopeless, but i had him. i had to show up for him and take care of him, and that meant taking care of myself too. we went on adventures and started getting back on our feet. he lived with other dogs and was always the bigger dog, even though he was tiny. he was gentle with kids and puppies because he knew better. he hated the snow, and seeing him hop through other people’s footprints always cracked me up. winter was the only time he liked wearing clothes and staying warm, and i do not blame him.

i wish i had given him better care at the end. i wish i had taken him to the vet sooner or had the money for an x-ray the first time we had a scare. part of me hates myself because, at some point, i focused so much on taking care of myself that i began to neglect him. the night before he passed, he was struggling to breathe. the next morning, i planned to take him to the ER because it was clear he was unwell. why do we wait until things are a crisis? why could i not have done better preventive care?

that morning, i tried taking him outside, but he could not move. he was working so hard just to breathe. we got to the hallway and i put him down to see if that would help, and he started to pee himself. i knew what was happening, but i did not want to stop fighting. i searched for an emergency vet. he was getting weaker and i could feel it in my arms. i found one about 20 minutes away. i rushed to the car with him, and he kept getting weaker. he lost consciousness. i tried CPR to keep him alive until we got there, but it did not work. he defecated on my lap while i was driving and i knew i was losing him.

when we arrived, his body was limp. i ran in and begged them to do anything they could to save him. i needed him. i could not lose him. i waited in the room hoping they would come back and tell me he was stable or responsive, anything. they said he did not make it. my world shattered. after that, i felt blank and numb. i saw his body one last time. i kissed him and apologized. i wish i could have done more. he did so much for me, and i feel like i let him down.

they took him away and i asked them to hold his body for the day while i figured out what to do with his remains. i had to pay, and while checking out all i remember is a distant ringing in my ears. i felt like i had flatlined too. that day still haunts me and it probably always will.

i am not sure exactly what i want from writing this. i just miss him. i wish i could hold him again. i have another pup now, his name is canelo. i chose another c name in respect for the amazing life chancho lived. he is sweet and fun in his own way, and i know he is young and that we will build our own memories together, but he is not chancho and never will be. i know he will be his own version of wonderful, but chancho was something else. i also want to say that i learned from my mistakes. with canelo, i now have pet insurance and i keep up with routine vet visits and preventive care. i only wish i had done that for chancho.

i am not really religious. i identify as agnostic, because i feel like there is something out there, i just do not know what it is. i hope i get to see him again, even if it is in another life.

i love and miss you, chancho. thank you for everything you did for me. you were not just a dog, you were my savior, the closest thing to an angel i will ever meet.

TL;DR: i lost my dog chancho, who saved me during my lowest point. i miss him every day. i have a new pup named canelo to honor him, and i am trying to build new memories while also doing better with preventive care, pet insurance, and routine vet visits.