resources for survivors of sadistic CSA?

tw for csa, physical abuse, and animal abuse

hello. i went through some pretty intense abuse from someone who was very obviously sexually aroused by causing me pain. he basically tortured me - treated me like a dog, kicking me, making me eat dog food, humiliating me, etc. all for his own pleasure.

i worry a lot that he’s going to find me and kill me for talking about these things but i feel like i can’t keep it a secret anymore. my brain is melting from all the flashbacks and dissociation. i can’t remember most of what goes on in my life and im constantly having nightmares and flashbacks which can last hours sometimes. he told me no one would ever believe me and that he’d kill me if i told anyone and im having a hard time believing those things aren’t true. that it is just a classic silencing technique and that he isn’t going to find out from a random anonymous reddit post or from me telling our partner about it.

i can’t find any resources for people like me who went through sexual torture repeatedly as a child. i feel so alone in this. i know others have gone through similar things but i would really like to know im not alone. is there any information about this online? i can’t even find articles about it. i just want to know that this isn’t in my head and that it was as bad as i think it was