Emotional Availability is the Foundation of a Real Relationship

Trust wasn't really established. I don't blame you at all for my personal conflicts. But the way I, and a lot of other people, operate is by observing how people act when they're at their most vulnerable.

I was often called too much, and treated accordingly, so even with you, it was natural that I hesitated.

(Even this may be making too much out of something probably not big for you.)

When you didn't respond to my email, you didn't give me any explanation. We had exchanged regular emails for a long time, and I was used to the routine. I don't require long or daily emails, but the abrupt change and my developing feelings for you, on top of everything else, caused me to feel extra sensitive that day. It would have been nice if you just dropped me a line or told me you were tired. I wasn't unreasonable about that, even then. But instead, you stood there as I cried and said you knew why. I felt really foolish.

When I told you I was having problems with my partner, you changed the subject by saying "Maybe the right person is right in front of you." As much as I enjoyed the hint, it was a little insensitive considering that I never mentioned him before that, and you had no idea what was going on. You never asked or commented and I rarely told you anything about it.

When I had surgery, I don't remember you showing any concern. Well, I think I asked you to get my classwork and you did. But I don't remember you showing any emotions.

I think our connection was more physical and mental, although I was obviously really emotionally attached to you.

When we had that last regular conversation and you (I guess) implied that you were open to a relationship and could sense I was holding something back, I did not understand what you were saying, and I guess I still don't.

I could sense the many hints and signs you were sending, and I can see how it looked like I wasn't responding to them and that the ball was in my court...but I still really don't know what you wanted. I could have and should have asked, but I didn't want to be alone in my confession. If you saying you didn't have restrictions was your own confession, it was too vague for me to accept. Was that just a neutral statement or an invitation? I may never know.

Although I don't like taking the lead, I would have. Or maybe you thought you already were taking the lead and it was time for me to step up. I don't know. But that's the problem. Who knows? For talking so much, we barely clarified anything at all.

I wonder if you ever thought about my stance. --How instead of confessing, I blamed the withholding on you, instead.

I wasn't trying to argue or fight. I wasn't trying to make things messy in an already complicated situation.

Your words were really vague compared to the level of emotional honesty I was already sharing with you. It made me feel vulnerable and uncomfortable, and I felt called out.

I was, and am, a more emotionally expressive person than you are (verbally, in writing), although you said some bold things in person and took the initiative on physical contact. I had already told you I didn't want to lose you and other pretty obvious stuff.

I had badly wanted to confess, but I wasn't sure enough. I was sure of your hints, sure that you spent a lot of time with me and invested a lot into our...friendship?...but I don't think you or I realized that this kind of investment leads to deeper feelings. And it did. I liked you from the start, and I know you liked me too. But towards the end, I was falling in love. That's not something to take lightly. And we were starting our career and classes were out. Bad timing in many ways even if we were mature and secure in ourselves.

What I don't think I'll ever really understand is why you disappeared.

What were you thinking and feeling when I shot back that it was you that were the one holding something back? Did you feel wrongly accused? Did you feel rejected? Did you think I was in denial? Playing games? Psychotic or unstable? I don't know, because you never told me.

When you talked to me a year later, you acted like we had just fallen out of touch as old college buddies. It was painful considering the intensity of our last conversation. I think the reason I ended up sharing that very socially awkward (not funny or relevant) comment is because I was trying to break through what I felt were new walls you erected. While I can't believe I actually said that comment, it makes sense that I would try to break through your formalities because I was trying to connect with you on a deeper level, like before, no matter how poor in taste.

Instead, you never talked to me again, although you stayed friends on social media. I hope you weren't hurt that I ended up deleting your profile some years later. It really wasn't personal. I just never saw any activity from you, and, frankly, it did bother me to see your profile knowing you ghosted me (even though my comment likely pushed you away). I eventually blocked all the profiles I saw you make over the years because I wanted to compartmentalize you. For someone with a brain structure like mine, that's hard to do, but I managed to do it for almost 20 years. I guess when you want to avoid something bad enough, you can.

I don't know how much you saw of my life drama - break up with first boyfriend, my marriage, etc., and I don't think I want to know.

I'm an intense, awkward, imperfect person. I remember once that you said you hate perfect people. But the closer we seemed to get, the more uncomfortable you seemed. I don't think I normally did anything that weird, but you were not used to someone sharing feelings so openly, even if they weren't about you romantically...yet...or directly.

I realize that it wouldn't have worked out even if the other factors were in place.

Right now, I'm at a place in my life where I am not in an ideal place financially, but I would be committed and emotionally available for making it work. I have done that work. It wouldn't always be easy, but I have tools for managing my anxiety, a lot of self knowledge, a lot of understanding about relationships and your personality type, and I have a deep desire to respect and understand you and your needs. I am better at communicating directly, too.

But even if you weren't busy and tired (I presume) - and if you still cared, which I may never know - you can't may not be able or willing to give me the words and commitment I crave.

Just, why did you ghost me after that relationship conversation? Because I was defensive? Or because you realized you didn't want it, after all?

Even an answer to that question would be helpful.